


The Chanxing Letters

by shinealightrose



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Friendship, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Romance, penpals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 11:06:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 35,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4958095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightrose/pseuds/shinealightrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chanyeol and Yixing have been penpals since they were 10 years old, building on a 25 year long long-distance friendship, and they've never even met. Through letters and ink and pencils and emails and phone calls and texts, they know everything about each other. Except for one thing, one terribly important thing that Chanyeol begs to discover when he makes his very first ever trip to visit from his Korean home to Yixing's California house.</p>
<p>This is their story in letters, and then after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Present Day

**Author's Note:**

> Because there is not enough Chanxing in the world and I really feel the urge to explore them as a pair, be it at first through this kind of long distance lens.

_Present Day (Age 35)_

 

Chanyeol, my friend!

I bet you’re surprised to see me writing an actual letter again. Paper is such an old world thing. I’m convinced that in 100 years we’ll never use it at all, and that the world’s tree population will be astronomical from all the saved and precious tree trunks. But probably not, because no doubt by then we’ll be living in a post-nuclear age and have no electricity and evil woodcutters will flourish in their search for trees to kill. My precious Redwoods will be destroyed but I won’t care because I’ll be dead too by then.

I digress. I was cleaning out a desk in the attic and found some old stationary. Isn’t it pretty? I should throw this crap away, but then that’s a waste. I even dug up a stamp for mailing and I’ll undoubtedly have to walk to the post office to drop this off. I feel industrious already.

Chanyeol have you missed me? I probably don’t respond as well as I used to. I lost my flippin’ phone the other day and am waiting for a new one to arrive in the mail. Probably I’ll talk to you before this letter even arrives but I’m bored now, and I miss you, and I just really wanted to talk to you. No point in rambling any longer now though. I’m just wasting time before I head out to play with my niece. I’m babysitting today. Fantastic. I think we’ll go hiking.

Miss you always, but I’ve already said that. Burn this when it arrives, okay? Light it up by a slow flame and watch it turn to ash. Whoever said romance was dead? Haha.

I’m out, but just for nostalgia’s sake I’ll sign this in big swirly letters.

_Lay aka Yixing aka your best and longest friend and favorite person in the world_

 

* * *

  
 

Lay! You dunce.

I just got your letter in the mail but unlike you, I can’t find a single piece of paper in my house and I’m a bum so I’m not going out to by paper just for you. Maybe your prediction will come true sooner than you think. Here, take an email from me. By the way, haven’t you gotten your new phone yet? How am I supposed to talk to my best and longest friend and favorite person in the world if you won’t call me? Who can I complain to about my life if you won’t call me? Oh, and I’m not burning your letter. I mean I could but I’d probably burn my flat out and the whole building would collapse in fire and it’d be your fault entirely. Do you really want the weight of the world on your shoulders?

 I got those plane tickets we were talking about. Expect me to be in your town next month and we can finally do all those things we’ve been planning to do since forever ago. Hell yeah. I’m going to look so great on the beach.

 FYI. I’m a little stoked that we’re going to be meeting for the very first time. How many years has it been? 25? Damn. What have we been doing with our lives that we have all these wasted years? Oh well, this is what new beginnings are for, right?

_See you soon buddy._

_Chanyeol_


	2. When we first met...

_25 Years Ago (Age 10)_

 

Dear Yixing,

Thank you for being my new pen pal to help me learn English. My name is Chanyeol and I am 10 years old. I live in South Korea. I know you live in America and that America is very far away across the  ~~Atlantic~~  Pacific Ocean. What do you do in America? Is it nice there? Do you have any siblings? How old are you?

_Please write soon,_

_~~Sinserly~~ Sincerely, _ _Chanyeol_

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

My name is Yixing, but you probably know that already. I am 10 years old, and I live in California. That is in America. It is nice here, but hot. I like playing outside. I don’t have any siblings. It is just me and my mom and dad. They are from China but I was born here. China is closer to Korea but America is very far away. I have never been to China or Korea.

 Are you in school? I am in the 4th grade. Write back!

_Your friend,_

_Yixing_

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

California sounds cool. I want to visit. I have one older sister. She is mean. You are lucky that you don't have a sister. I have a dog. Do you like dogs? She is having puppies soon. I will send you a puppy! My mom says I am 10 like you, but in Korea I am older. I don't understand it but we are born in the same year. Summer is almost here and then we will have break.

_Write soon,_

_Chanyeol_

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I like dogs, but my mom says you can't mail animals across the world. Anyways, I like cats better. I wish I had a sibling because then I would have somebody to play with. Maybe brothers are better than sisters? It is almost summer too and then I can play every day and not go to school. Last year for my birthday I got a guitar. I start lessons soon and I am excited. We are having a pool party next week! Maybe you can come, since you know my address! I'll ask my mom.

_Your penpal,_

_Yixing_

 

* * *

 

Dear Penpal,

I think I missed your pool party... Maybe next time. Haha. The puppies are here. There are 4 but we have to give them all away. It's not fair. I want to learn guitar too! That sounds like fun. But summer is almost over and soon I go back to school and we do not get much free time. Maybe I will learn anyway. Then some day we can play together.

_Your friend,_

_Chanyeol_

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol

Sorry I did not write for a long time. I lost your address but then I found an old letter. I will keep your letters in a box now so I don't lose them again. Let's plan to write to each other always, okay? That way we can always have a friend. Some of the kids at school don't like me. They say I talk funny and say I am not American, even though I was born here. I don't care what they say though. 

I am still learning guitar and my teacher says I'm good. I want to learn piano too but I don't have a keyboard. Sometimes I play on the piano in the school music room just to make noise but then other people come in and I can't play anymore. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

My mom says you don't celebrate thanksgiving though. I don't know why we do either. We just celebrate it at school by playing Pilgrims and Indians. Do you know what those are?

_Write soon, even though I didn't! :(_

_Yixing_

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing

I tried to write soon. But now it is Christmas. I'm sorry! Still, let's promise to always write to each other! I have a few friends here but none of them have penpals in another country, so I think that makes me cool. My best friend is named Jongin, but outside of school we don't hang out. Do you have any good friends? What are they like? Are they nice? It's really cold here. Do you get cold weather where you live? Do you have snow? I like the snow but it's not fun when you have to go out in it. I got a guitar finally for Christmas. Now I can learn to play just like you. Piano also sounds fun. Maybe I will learn that too! Then we can play together. 

_Your friend,_

_Chanyeol_


	3. We weren't anything alike...

_20 Years Ago (Age 15)_

 

Dear Chanyeol-ah,

What, don't Koreans call each other like that? I could be mistaken. 

My friends went out for the night - some high school football game that I'm not interested in. Instead I'm sitting at home like a nerd writing a letter. You know, if you knew me in real life you'd probably run the other way. I'm way too boring to be worth knowing, and also my handwriting sucks so I don't know how you manage to read it, let alone reply.

I would play guitar right now except I accidentally hit my left hand against a brick wall earlier. I may or may not have gotten a bad grade in math and I was angry. Don't feel like I'm writing though only because I have nothing better to do. I could've gone to the game. I just wasn't in the mood to be social. Okay maybe I do have nothing better to do...

So what's your life like these days? I feel like I never ask you much. Letter writing is weird like that. I write and I tell you everything about myself, and then you write and tell me about yourself, and we spend 2 lines pretending like we actually read what the other is saying. Maybe this isn't a bad thing though. Get stuff off our chests this way. Anyways, what's with you?

Your totally boring friend,

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing.

Get a life. Actually, no that's cool. You can be as boring as you want to be because I really wouldn't know any better. I stole a piece a paper from my friend so I can write during study break. Do you need math tutoring? I could tutor you. You should drop by my house some day - heh heh. I could also lend you some friends. I have too many of them. I don't know why. I just like being around people most of the time, and people like being around me. Maybe I sound too conceited... but it's true though! 

I wish I had more time to play guitar. A few minutes here and there, and that's all I get. You don't know how lucky you are to get two days off on a weekend. I'm jealous. Maybe I should move to California. Aren't there student exchange programs? I could move in with you and then you could teach me how to be a boring person too. Just kidding. 

I'd teach you how to be a happy excited person with too many friends. Maybe my coolness would rub off? 

Your totally awesome foreign friend.

Think of me in class all day every day. 

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Sure, thanks. Make fun of me. But at least help me in math. I got 2 + 2 = 4 but don't ask me to subtract 2 from 4. Okay I'm not that bad. Geometry is hell though. Who needs this crap anyway? I'm positive it'll be useless as soon as I'm out of school. Which I wish was yesterday. 6 day school week though? I'll throw myself a party to celebrate my incredible luck. You're invited. Mark the date 2 weeks from today at 8:00 pm Pacific time and you can do a happy dance at the exact same time. Or maybe you'll be asleep by then. I can't figure out time zones, so don't ask me to.

Keep your friends. I don't need them. I have my cat and the beach and we take nice long walks every night. In my head. How are you with girls anyway? I never really thought of myself as good looking but now there's this girl at school who keeps hanging around me and calling me cute, and I don't know what to do about it. Should I date her? Her voice is whiny. But she's really pretty. And whiny. I should probably give it a shot, huh?

Need advice asap. Shame that long distance phone calls are so expensive. Or maybe you're a dud with girls too and I shouldn't bother asking you. Give me the proof that you're good with girls, and then I'll consider letting you live here as a exchange student. But definitely not otherwise.

Yixing,

girl-clueless and in need of help.

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Here's a picture of me and my two girlfriends. Yeah I'm a pimp. Actually only one of them is my girlfriend, and the other is her best friend. If it doesn't work out with the girl you know, I'll hook you up someday. 

You want advice? Okay here goes: Be nice, smile a lot, carry her stuff, buy her ice cream, buy her friends ice cream, actually buy her and her friends whatever they want. And if you're not broke yet (which I am) you're good to go. Maybe I should rethink this. I don't even have a real allowance like you get and my parents say they won't let me get a job until I'm out of college. Education first. Hey send me some money like the best friend you are. I'll exchange it when it arrives. Or just show off my cool American money and pretend like I have a hot foreign girlfriend. Too bad you don't have a sister to send me a picture. If she had dimples like yours, now that would be a show piece of a girl!

Now I sound creepy. Ignore that. I already have a girlfriend. I already have a girlfriend.

Your not a creeper friend,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Creeper-yeol

Nice pic. You look like a dog though. Is that why both girls are holding you by the ears? Looks like it hurts. 

I went on one date with that girl. No point even writing her name down. It didn't go well. My friends' parents picked up a bunch of us to go to the movies together, so maybe it was a double date or even a triple date? Except it wasn't all couples, and the girls ended up hanging out together and the guys hung out together, and I bought her a candy that cost too much money, and then she wanted a drink too. I bought that but she didn't even drink it. So we sat next to each other in the movie but it was just awkward and I pretty much ignored her and then we all went home. Next day at school I said Hi and she just said Hi and that was it. 

I failed, but I'm kind of relieved. One less thing to worry about.

Sorry I don't have a hot sister. I have a cousin but she's not that pretty. Should I put on a wig and take a picture? My mom says I should have been a girl. She even thought I was going to be a girl when she was pregnant with me. Try living with that thought for most of your life. She even had the baby girl dresses all ready to go. Good thing they don't fit anymore! I only persuaded her to let me cut my hair shorter a few years ago. 

Would we still be assigned penpals if I'd been a girl? Probably not. I'm sorry for you because then you would have gotten a cooler penpal, but me, I would've got some air head for a penpal, so... yeah, I don't want to even think about that.

This letter is way too long now. 

Still boring, but at least I'm not a girl,

Yixing.


	4. Yet we were friends...

_18 years ago (Age 17)_

 

 

Dear Yixing,

Here's a picture of me and my new girlfriend. Actually, you probably have half a dozen of these by now. I'm not a player, I promise. I just... arghh, I don't know. Girls like me. And then suddenly they don't. I take back any advice I've ever given you in the past, because apparently I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe you're lucky you don't have to worry about girlfriend. Not... that I'm making fun of you or anything because, yeah. 

My friend Jongin says I'm too blunt sometimes. But you know that already. (Or maybe that's why I can never keep a girlfriend...) Good thing he doesn't mind me, but then we've been friends since we were kids. He's my best friend, except for you of course! You're actually my best friend. I can tell because I tell you everything about my life! Without filter. Except for now because I apparently don't have anything interesting to share...

Slow day, slow week actually. Did I miss your birthday? I feel like I probably did.

Your best friend (and it's okay if I'm not yours in return),

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

You must have missed someone else's birthday because mine isn't for a few more months... October 7, remember? It's about a month and 20 days before yours?

You know, you probably are my best friend, so what does that say about me anyway? Maybe I should talk more. I only have a few guy friends I hang out with in school, and occasionally outside of it, but I think I'm growing more and more antisocial as I get older. I feel old. Is 17 old? I think it must be. When you get old, life gets boring right? My cousins are about five years younger than me, and all they do is go go go. Soccer, swimming. And ever since I started driving, all my family ever asks me to do is drive them around, and half the time it's to drop them off and pick them up from their rich friends' houses. How come I don't drive myself to parties? 

What are you doing for college? Transfer to America and we can room together.

I'm serious. I'll probably just go to UCLA and live on campus rather than at home, just to stay in the area. What to major in now though, that's the problem. Not math. Definitely not math.

Yixing,

Not lonely or a bum. Definitely not.

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Here's a new picture of me, alone.

It was my girlfriend's birthday I forgot... I guess I don't need to add anything more about that.

But hey, that's alright. I don't have time for a girlfriend anyways. School and exams are keeping me busy. I've never worked this hard in my life, and some days I don't know why I bother. Every kid at school is either miserable, spending every extra hour studying, or completely blowing it off because they aren't going to college. I wish I could be that way. Maybe I would too if my parents would let me. I don't need to go to school. I can just quit and be a butcher or something, how's that sound? Do you know of any open jobs for a butcher in your part of the world? If so, you have my address. Just put yourself down as a reference, and I should be all set.

My guitar is collecting dust. Maybe over the holidays I can play some, but somehow I doubt it.

I'd write more if I had the time. Sorry this is so late, but at least now I'm close enough to the date to say 'Happy Birthday' a few weeks in advance. Will you have cake? My parents will probably even forget mine when it comes. We'll see. 

Too busy to write, kill me now,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Why do you keep sending me pictures of yourself like I'm your long distance girl friend? I should frame this one and draw little hearts over it, or put it in my wallet so if anyone asks why I'm not going out tonight, I can claim I've got plans with my boyfriend. Actually, that sounds like a good idea. It might keep that annoying girl off my back for a while at least. Do you mind being gay for me? I promise no one you know in real life will ever find out. Unless they suddenly show up in California, and then that might cause a problem. 

Sorry you're so busy cramming. From everything I know about your exam schedules, I feel like I've got it much easier. I've definitely decided on UCLA, and probably just as an English major. I can always change it to something cooler if I feel like it. But for now I've got a year to go, and most of the entry level exams are this semester so I don't know what the point of senior year in high school is about anyway. Next spring I'll probably just have to do the bare minimum and then I can graduate and be out of here!

I'm definitely going to live on campus too. That'll be fun! And if it's not fun, then I can just move back in with my parents. They're not going anywhere. I think they like southern California too much. 

Maybe you should treat yourself to a vacation when we're done with high school and come and visit? You'd probably like this place. More than me probably. 

Future English Lit teacher,

Yixing

 

P.S. Don't become a butcher. Think of the smells...

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Alright. No more pictures for you! Just kidding. Though I don't actually have any new ones of me. What have you done with the old ones anyways? A girl I met who once lived in America told me that scrapbooking was popular there. You're not a scrapbooker, are you? Please tell me you're not. Haha! Because that would be creepy. My face pressed inside a book with flowers and stars... I don't know even know what scrapbooking is really.

I should come for a visit! Maybe my dad will let me go? Who knows, but I can ask.

I'm jealous you're going to move out for college. I'll probably never move out of my parents' place. I'll probably live and die here, get married and have kids and grandkids and still never move out. That's if of course, I can keep a girlfriend for longer than a month at a time. Maybe I should wait for an arranged marriaged huh? Or I can run away and come live with you. I'm assuming that option is still open?? You never know when I'll need it! They say the job force here is insanely competitive. I don't want to compete... I just don't want to have to think about anything after school is over. That's it, I've decided to be miserable for the rest of my life. Do you believe that? You probably don't, and you shouldn't. Too happy for life, that's me. Though California sounds a whole lot cooler the more you talk about it.

Happy Holidays,

Chanyeol

 


	5. Sharing each random thought...

_17 Years Ago (Age 18)_

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Here's a picture for you. Sorry I'm not in it, but this is my dorm room. It's a little messy at the moment but as long as nothing smells that's fine. This is week two of college life, and it's just as lame and boring as I thought it probably would be. My roommate's name is Brian. He's alright, I suppose, except that he has a girlfriend, and she was over once and I didn't know beforehand... We now have a chalkboard on the outside of our door. I'm supposed to write down a mysterious symbol on it if I ever need it... But I think he'll get more use out of it than me.

I've got nothing else to say. Same old me, new environment and still nothing to tell. There's going to be a dorm party this weekend though. If you want to participate you open your door, and if you don't, then you close it. I would keep it closed but then there's Brian and I think he's the party type. I can't wait. But maybe that means I'll actually have something to write next time! 

Look forward to it.

I'm not.

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

I think my parents are still upset that I don't want to be a doctor. A doctor, seriously. Don't they know me? You've seen what I look like. Can you imagine what patients would say when they discovered I was their doctor? No one would take me seriously. Not even me. And still they complain. They should be happy I agreed to do Business. I could be studying music! Hah! I should have worked hard in my youth and become an entertainer. And then I could be auditioning at music agencies! Don't laugh. Jongin says I'm a good rapper! I could have joined SM or something. And worn skinny pants for the rest of my life. 

So, Brian sounds great. No plans to use that chalkboard anytime soon? You're in college! You're young! I don't have a chalkboard either. Not that it would be helpful, because my family definitely wouldn't care what I wrote on it. They come barging in whenever they feel like it. Also, still no girlfriend. I'm swearing off girls for the time being. Too much work.

I want to hear all about your first block party! Details! Want details!

For once, more boring than you,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I don't know what you want to hear. A party is a party. There were drunk people, drunk underage people, half naked people, one naked person who was drunk, and at some point after wandering around the hallway trying to 'experience life' as you always call it, I came back to find my door closed and a symbol on the board. Locked out of my own room. Well, I could have gone in, but that wouldn't have been fun. So I sat in the hallway for a while, apparently fell asleep, and I woke up in some my suite mates' room (the neighbors, we share a bathroom). Not even a hangover! To their surprise. I guess it's unusual for people to pass out when they're not drunk? I was tired. That's my excuse. I can't remember the guys' names though who took me in, except that I think one of them was Korean like you. I figured this out later though. I found a Korean book left in the bathroom. Otherwise I haven't seen them again. I don't go out much. 

Is that exciting enough for you?

Is it weird that people in this state love being outdoors all the time, and the weather is nice enough for it, I guess, and yet I'd rather not? I think something must be wrong with me. I like indoor activities too much. I should join a club. Isn't that was college students do? They randomly join a fraternity (not going to happen) or a club for something random like a film lovers club, or a Chinese-American association. What should I do? What sounds more out there? Treasure hunting or ballroom dancing? I hear there's even a Disney lovers club. 

How about scuba diving?

Yixing.... 

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Where to start! Where to start! I'm so proud of you. You passed out at your first college party! Who cares if you just fell happily asleep, that's got to be a milestone or something! You have a Korean suite mate though? Now that's awesome. You should find him and get him to teach you Korean. Maybe he'll succeed where I failed. Not that I tried very much, or very hard. Hey it's hard to teach a language through letters. I learned English for you. Isn't that enough?

Maybe I should join a club too. Let's both do scuba diving and then we can meet up for some wild vacation in Australia or something! Or not. At this rate I'll never have time for a vacation, let alone one to Australia. I'll think of some other kind of club. There must be something I can spare a little time for. Should I keep it music related? Someone somewhere surely needs an acoustic guitar. Or should I just join a rock band? Learn drums? You tell me.

Or I'll tell you next time I write, which could be months from now. Ahhh I'm so exhausted already! When will school be done!

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Still taking up your suggestions to meet and make friends. And apparently I've gotten myself into something crazy. A planned roadtrip even! I won't say I purposefully went looking for my suite mates but some guys cornered me in the common room one day and introduced themselves, and I suddenly recognized them again. The Korean guy is named Joonmyeon and he's pretty cool. I guess we'll be friends. His roommate is a guy named Henry. I think they've known each other for a while since Henry is actually Chinese-Canadian and lived in Korea for a while where he met Joonmyeon. Anyways now I have someone else to practice my almost non-existent Mandarin, and two people to teach me Korean. Are you happy now?

They invited me on a roadtrip over Christmas holidays. To Texas. What on earth is in Texas to make it worth driving there and back? I don't want to go. I want to stay home all winter and sleep in, but it's only two weeks... If I have a horrible time, I'm blaming you, just so you know.

Soon to be roadster,

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Greetings from Texas, in case you haven't figured that out from the card. Driving's okay. A little boring. At least the guys are fun to hang out with. Henry does most of the driving. Acts like he's just been freed from a dungeon or something.

FYI, I haven't seen a single thing depicted on this postcard. Oh, except for some cows. 

Happy New Years!

Yixing

 


	6. Even in our oddest times...

_16 Years Ago (Age 19)_

 

 

Dear Yixing,

Got your postcard. I know it's been a while.

My grandpa died last month. It feels strange to write that, almost as strange as him not being around anymore. I miss him a lot, but you know what's stranger? Every time I sat down to start writing a letter, I would want to tell you all about these random moments in my life that were fun or funny, and I couldn't do any of that because, my grandpa died. And it feels strange to write you up out of the blue and begin with that statement: my grandpa died. You didn't know him.  It doesn't affect your life, even though it affects mine. I don't need consolation right now. It feels kind of like second nature that I can share this 'fact' with you. But isn't it strange? (I'm using that word too much, 'strange', but whatever.) You open up a letter and read about the death of someone you don't know...

Or maybe it isn't strange because we've known each other for so many years, but then you don't 'know' me either in a physical, personal way. 

(I could be a serial killer who murdered the real Chanyeol years ago and you'd never know!)

What if I died though. Would you know? How would you know. I won't be able to write and tell you. Maybe I should write down your address somewhere big on my wall and say, 'Write to Yixing, if I die please. Thank you.' I'm going to talk to my parents at least. But what if our house burns down and we all die? Then there's no one to tell! You'll just stop getting letters one day and eventually it'll be second nature to not expect a stranger's letters from Korea. 

This is morbid. Sorry, I've been thinking about death a lot. I promise I'm not really this depressed in real life.

End rant. Happy letter next time (if there is a next time!)

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I sincerely hope you are alive and well, or else I'm writing this letter for absolutely no reason. Don't be dead, please. Because then I won't have anyone to write to. :)

Feel free to rant whenever you want to. I feel like half my middle school and high school years all I ever did was talk about weird stuff to you, and all you ever told me were what new toys you got for your birthday or how many girls this week thought you were hot. So consider this payback! Wait that doesn't make sense. Never mind.

I'm going to be weird this time and send you a real picture of myself. Or at least me and my two new (apparently) best friends. The guy on the left is Joon (shortened nickname now) and the right one is Henry. Don't get any perverted thoughts just because they're both kissing me on the cheek. I couldn't stop them in time before the flash (stupid timed cameras) and turns out that was the best picture of me the whole trip. 

It feels weird to have close friends, especially since I haven't known them long. Guess road trips force you to really bond. Being suite mates help too, and I like them even more because they piss off Brian by always barging in through the bathroom door so he's always taking himself (and his girlfriend) out somewhere else. Hooray! Little victories.

They're already talking about making another road trip up through California and Oregon this summer. Which is two weeks away. Okay so the guys are pretty spontaneous. 

Your friend Yixing, the traveler

P.S. I gave Joon your address too just in case I die. *wink*

 

* * *

 

Dear World Traveller,

When are you making a road trip to Korea? (Just kidding)

Hooray for friends! Hooray for friends who burst in on Brian's... whatever he does. Wow when did you grow up and get so cute though? Wait, we both have dimples. That kind of bothers me. Do the girls over there think it's cute? They do here. I have a feeling though if we stood up next to each other they might find you cuter though. Oh wait, but I think I have the height on you, so no, I'm not worried! Even if my ears still stick out...

Thanks for the cheery letter. At least we have some insurance on each other in case we die! (That shouldn't sound cheerful, and yet it is. Haha!)

Having friends is a great thing. I should know. I have... well, less friends now than I did in high school. At least I still hang out with Jongin every few weeks. Our college life makes it kind of difficult, and since he's some kind of dance major he's always doing stuff after hours. And then there's me: boring old business degree classes. What am I even taking? I don't know. I forget everything the second I close the textbook.

Did I tell you I got smashing drunk last week? (Of course I haven't. I would remember writing you if I did). We we went out with some old high school buddies, and I drank too much (wow, cool) and apparently I was hollering about 'the good old times' and even your name came up. They didn't know who the hell you were. Guess I never told them I had a penpal. Since... we were 5.

I just bowed 90 degrees in the direction of California. I'm sorry! Do your friends know? That you have a "super secret" friend across the ocean that you can spill your whole life story too?

Wow this letter got weird real fast.

Bye now,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

It must just be you because I tell everyone I know about my penpal from across the seas. And that he's a giant fairy who grants wishes and... yeah, no I haven't. Although since you brought it up I told Joon, and he thought it was kind of neat. He was assigned a penpal when he was in elementary too, but they stopped writing after a few years. I guess you and me are just bound to be together. 

I mean, bound to always write. Yup, this is getting weird.

By the way, would it be weird if we ever got to speak in person? Like, what do you sound like? Can you even speak English? Without an accent? Because some people I know are good reading and writing and can't talk out loud. Should we exchange phone numbers? Wait, how expensive are long distance phone calls? I think we have a plan for international calls, because sometimes my mom talks to her cousins in China. Here's the number for my land line. 714-xxx-xxxx I feel weird setting this up now... but I go home most Sunday evenings. Maybe we could talk some day.

Still your longest friend though,

Yixing

P.S. Joon says hi. Is that weird? You don't know him. But sometimes I talk to him about you.

 

* * *

 

_*static*_

_"Hello? He...hello? Can I talk to Yixing?"_                                       

                                        *static*

                                        "Hello. This is his mother. Who is this?

 

                                        -

                                        -

 _"Oh. Hello. This is Chanyeol. I am a friend of Yixing."_                                    

                                        "Oh. Wait please... [Yixing!]"

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

                                        "Hello?"

 _"Hi. This is uh... Chanyeol. You gave me your number..."_                                    

                                        "Ahhh! Chanyeol! So you called!

 _"Yes..."_                                     

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

                                        "Well this is cool."

 _"Uh, yes."_                                   

-                                        

-                                        

 _"So, how are you?"_                                

                                        -

                                        -

                                        "I am good. And you?"

-                                        

-                                        

-                                        

 _"Me? I am good. Too. I'm good too."_                                    

                                        "Oh that's good."

_"Yeah."_

_"Uhm"_                                

                                        "Uh..."

                                        -

                                        -

                                        -

 _"Yeah this is weird. Hearing you."_                                

                                        *laughter*

                                        "Yes, it is. Oh well. So, how was your day?  _I_ s your day? How is your day?"

                                     _"It is okay. It just started for me actually. It's morning here."_                                

                                        "Oh that's cool. Any uh... plans?"

 _"Yeah. Some..."_                                 

 


	7. Every now and then time seems to slow...

_16 Years Ago (19-20)_

 

Dear Yixing,

I suddenly feel old-fashioned for writing you a letter. I mean, now I can call. But, pen and paper feels so much more familiar. It was weird, right? It was weird. I know. I feel like I should write now and make up for all my shortcomings on the phone. Which was yesterday, by the way, in case you don't see the date on this letter. Or in case you don't mark important events in your calendar like the day you first got a phone call from Korea. Not that I do, or anything. I'm just writing a letter, and that requires knowledge of the day you sit down to write that letter... It's all in the craft. I think.

I heard your voice yesterday. Haha.

I'll make this letter short, because I actually have stuff to study today. I don't even know what, but I guess I'll figure that out when I open up my notebook. Also, I think I depleted every interesting fact about me when I talked to you yesterday. Oh God, now my life is revealed and you'll know that I really am just that boring. I'm sorry. I'm a boring penpal.

Don't write back, it's just a waste of your time.

Chanyeol

P.S. Please write back.

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Well, you may be boring but I'm okay with that. Talking to you on the phone was pretty cool though. You have just the tinest trace of a weird accent, but I'll forgive you for that. We should make it a habit of talking more though. Maybe once a month? Is that too much? Is that too weird? Why should we need to set up times to speak on the phone anyway. 

Well summer ended, and so has my road trip. If you ever come to California (which you should) you have to go driving up the coast. I know Korea probably has nice coasts too. Actually I don't know that. I don't know anything about it, but here it's beautiful even if it takes forever to drive. We stopped at the Redwood National State Park on the way back down. Have you ever heard of them? They're the tallest trees on earth and absolutely spectacular. I'll find a picture of us in front of one of them. I took so many pictures. They make you feel so tiny, so insignificant. I could have spent days there, except that it was outdoors and kind of hot, and you know how much of an indoor person I am. These road trips are certainly trying to change me.

Anyways school is back on. First semester of a second year, all new classes and a new roommate as well. Brian is gone. Hooray! I mean, he's not gone. He's still around somewhere but we are no longer roommates and that is exciting. Henry is actually living off campus this year. It makes me wonder why I bother spending all this money for a dorm room when I have a perfectly fine house, and parents to feed me. I even thought of moving back this year, but after a year of semi-independence (I say semi, because I still go home most weekends and at least a few nights during the week), I kind of like it. So Joon is my new roommate. I'm actually worried about it, because now that I'm technically living with a friend I'll probably get less work done than when I poured myself into studying just to avoid Brian. We'll see how this goes.

Wish me luck!

Or you could just call me sometime,

Yixing

 

P.S. Or I could call you

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Apologies again for the late letter. What has it been now? A month? Two?I swear I always plan on writing you back as soon as I get the letter and then I don't.

I wish I had a roommate. I wish I just lived away from home. Whatever happened to me studying in America and bunking with you anyway? Plans plans. We make so many plans and then nothing ever happens. I swore I would make myself enjoy this year more, and still I haven't. I need a vacation. Can I come with you on the next road trip? Again, this is just me inviting myself to a lot of things I won't do.

Is college just the time we spend in transition? The time where we reevaluate everything we want and the things we planned on turn into the things we realistically know will happen instead? I wanted to be a musician when I was a kid. I wanted to play piano and guitar like a pro and be in a band. I also wanted to be an astronaut. Is there any kid out there that doesn't want to be an astronaut at some point in their lives? Or an entertainer?

I'm trying to figure out how to date again. My friends say it will cheer me up, but I don't know how it works anymore. I used to be so suave, but now I've lost my confidence. Or maybe I never had it and I just got lucky before. Maybe girls in college don't find me attractive anymore. Or they're too busy with their own lives, or looking for guys who are older and already established. My mom says to wait until I am out of college and then I can get engaged. Engaged. Not even dating, just boom - engaged and then married in a respectable amount of time.

Is it really that easy?

Tell me, oh wise one, if you have any advice. Or just, you know. Write and tell me not to bother caring about anything for a while.

Isn't this a long letter? Consider it my make-up to you for not writing in so long.

Your long suffering penpal/friend/best friend/friend,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I'm writing you back immediately, just to make you feel guilty for taking so long to respond to my last letter. Aren't I a good friend? Now you better write soon, or your conscience will eat away at you and you'll be even more miserable! (Actually, now I feel bad. I'm going to wait at least a week to post this in case you really do feel bad). 

Here are my words of wisdom, as requested: You are 20. (Happy Birthday, by the way. This should reach you around that time anyway.) So yes, you're still young, and you told me to tell you not to worry for a while, so I'm doing that. Is that cheating? Only repeating blandly what you told me to write and say? Well sorry, but I'm no wiser than you.

I once thought I wanted to be a veterinarian because I loved animals. And then I realized I had no tolerance for blood or pain or suffering and I dropped that career path quick. An entertainer though? Maybe. Maybe not, because I'm not outgoing enough. I've been playing the guitar more these days. Joon doesn't mind if I sit around and play in the dorm. Sometimes Henry drops in just because he doesn't have a place to bum around in between classes, but most of the time it's just us. I'm not sure why but Joon doesn't seem to have many other friends either, other than me and Henry. But that's fine with me, since we don't really have any other pursuits. Maybe they know more about girls though? I'll ask for you, and then see if I can give you better words of wisdom.

Hang tight buddy!

Yixing

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I run the risk of you actually writing immediately, and our letters missing each other in the mail but something odd happened to day, and it's making me feel weird and I don't have anyone else to talk to, and the phone is intimidating and paper and pen is familiar. 

I hung out with Henry the other day, and since we'd talked about stuff, I started talking to him about stuff. Stuff meaning, girls you know. I asked Henry when he was going to get a girl, and he actually admitted to sort of having one back at home. They're not dating officially, but kind of 'waiting' for him to go home in a couple years. I guess that makes sense. He's still just as clueless about them too though, which made me feel better. So I asked him about Joon, if he knew why Joon didn't have a girlfriend. And Henry got uneasy, and laughed and said, 'Why don't you ask him that?'

So I did.

Maybe I knew, maybe I didn't know. Maybe I guessed, or maybe I just didn't. Joon is gay. He just told me out loud when I asked him, like it was a simple fact, or like it doesn't change any thing. The funny thing is, I don't think it does change anything. I just... know now. That my roommate is gay. 

I think he's nervous, because I didn't really respond outright and I said something dumb, something like 'okay' without really acknowledging it. I ran away as soon as I could and not have it seem awkward, but I think I still hurt his feelings and now I don't know what to do because I don't mean to be awkward about it. It shouldn't change anything about us, right? Or should it? I think I'll just shut up and go mail this letter now.

Help,

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Though that means I missed yours again in the month I didn't write. I'm so bad with dates. I remember mine, my parents, my grandparents, and my dog's birthday, and that's about it. It's like I need years and years of constant reminders to get a date programmed in my head that will stick. By the way, I will not feel guilty about writing this letter this time, because hey! I am writing back punctually! For a change.

Thanks for reminding me that I'm still young (ugh but I feel old somedays!) but you are a cheater. I asked you for sound moral advice and you give me nothing. Nothing! What kind of best friend are you anyways? Useless.

I'm glad you're still playing the guitar. Maybe I should suck it up and just make time to play and then I won't feel like such an idiot when people ask me if I can play that old thing laying around in my room, and I say I can, and they say play it, and I get hives and am so nervous I can't do it.

Short letter, forgive me. At least I wrote at all!

Your best friend,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

_*phone dial*_                                     

                                        *ringing*                                        

                                        -

                                        -

                                        "Hello?"

_"Hello, can I talk to Yixing?"_                                

                                        "He is not home right now. Who is calling?"

-                                        

-                                        

_"This is Chanyeol, his friend. I am in South Korea."_              

                                        "Oh, yes. I remember."

_"Will, he be home today?"_                               

                                        "Later, he will be. Yes."

-                                        

_"Okay, I will try again. Thank you."_                         

 

* * *

                                        

                                  _*phone ringing*_                                  

-                                        

-                                        

-                                        

_"Hello?"_                                    

                                        "Hello, Chanyeol?"

_"Yixing? Oh, oh. Hi. You called back. I was going to call you again."_                              

                                        -

                                        -

                                        *laughter*

                                        "That's okay. My mom told me you tried to call earlier."

_"Yeah. I did."_                                 

                                        "Uh huh."

                                        -                                        

-                                        

-                                        

_"So."_                                 

                                        -

                                        -

                                        "So. What did you call for?"

-                                        

-                                        

_"Oh. Uhm. I... Well I sent off my letter the other day, and then I got your second one. So, I kind of missed you."_              

                                        "Oh. Yeah I figured that might happen."

_"Yeah. Well, I just... you sounded like you wanted to... talk to someone."_                                  

                                        "I did."

_"You did? Like, you did before but not now?"_                           

                                        "No, I mean I still do. Want to talk to someone. You. About it."

_"Okay. Well, man this is weird. So, how is uhm... Joon? Is he... is it still kind of awkward?"_                               

                                        "A little, although I've been trying to act pretty normal around him."

_"That's good. Normal is good. Are you... okay with that?"_                                 

                                        "I think so. It's still kind of odd, to... think about that. But, he's still my friend, right?"

_"Yeah, he is still your friend. I guess if you... care about him, that shouldn't change anything, right?"_                                 

                                        "Right."

-                                        

-                                        

_"So, what else is up?"_


	8. And friendship hangs on the balance...

_15 Years Ago (Age 20)_

 

Dear Chanyeol,

How come we're still writing 'Dear' before every letter? Isn't convention just odd? We don't say that when we're talking on the phone: "Hello dear Chanyeol, hello dear Yixing" but just because it's paper we have to say Dear?

Moving on. 

It's the middle of summer and kind of hot. Know how I can tell? I spent more time outdoors these days. I actually went to the beach the other day! Can you imagine! Me at the beach? I've only lived her my whole life near some of the nicest beaches in the world (or not), but before this summer I could probably count all the times I played in sand on one and a half hands. Now I can count them on two and a half hands. What are these tan lines...

Henry's gone back to China for the summer, so it's basically just me and Joon. He's actually moving into an apartment before the next school year and I'm moving back home. It doesn't sound as bad as that (like we're not friends anymore). It really is just cheaper. But either way it's kind of good. These last few months living together have been awkward, and I swear it's not even me making it that way. I've acted completely the same around Joon, but I think now I make him uncomfortable, now that I know? I don't understand. But we've promised to remain best friends even and hang out all the time even though we don't live on campus anymore. 

This letter was all about me. Again.

How is your life?

Yixing. 

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

No matter what I do I can't NOT write dear after that name. You know I'll probably get a wife one day (well that's a given isn't it) and she's going to uncover a stack of your letters and look up the word 'dear' and wonder why some guy in California has been writing love sentiments to me since we were 10 years old and still will be when we're 50. Oh well. Moving on, as you say.

Now read closely because I think I'm about to do something incredible. (And if not then I'm about to screw up your whole life but if you love me like you say you do you'll forgive me). Do you think that Joon likes you, and that's why he's uncomfortable? Because you basically wrote last that you 'friend-zoned' him. And I know a whole lot about friend-zoning because it's happened to me A LOT since high school.

Well anyways, I'm off. Now that I may have put ideas into your head that shouldn't have been there in the first place!

Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. But I think I'll talk about me now. Whole lot of boring, I'm halfway through college and I hate it. Jongin doesn't have time for me and but he's setting me up on a date next week, and my parents don't even know about it. What if she's not on their list of approved heiresses?? It probably won't matter because she'll just friend-zone me and then Jongin will pity me and I'll beg him never to do such things again.

Lame, I'm lame.

Your friend Chanyeol

P.S. Seriously tell me what happens or if I'm right and if I'm wrong then you can punch the air, because you won't be able to punch me. Hah.

 

* * *

 

Chanyeol,

THERE I didn't say Dear. Now I feel bad though. Do-over:

Dear Chanyeol,

Thanks for the 'something incredible'. I actually haven't asked him yet because I'm too chicken to do it. But now that I think about it, I swear I'm noticing... things. I don't even know what to call it and I don't think you want a laundry list of all the things I'm thinking of that possibly prove that my former gay roommate now best friend likes me. But I'm nearly positive you're right and I don't know what to do about that. So I do nothing. 

Part of the reason is that I just don't have time right now. I don't know how other people manage social lives with this kind of work, but I've got less than two years of college left and I'm suddenly in a panic because I have course requirements I need to meet in order to stick to my 4 year graduation plan, so I'm taking on a whole lot more classes and projects and everything gets harder the more advanced you get. All this is an excuse really to keep me from thinking about Joon, but I like the guy. I really do. And I like hanging out with him and Henry and I don't want to mess that up. They want to go on another trip this winter break...

Anyways you haven't ruined my life. Yet.

Good luck on your date. Can't be any more stressful than my situation right now. Okay you did ruin my life, because now I'm stressed and it's your fault. 

From one awful friend to another,

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

You're not an awful friend. You can blame me. It's okay. I'll take everything you throw at me. What can you do to me anyway? See, maybe it's a good thing we've never met in person. I can always be this vaguely distant stranger across the globe that you can pinpoint all your sorrows on.

Sorry you're stressed. I called you last week, but your mom said you were busy studying so I said not to bother you. Why did I write that. I should have just kept it a secret forever. Don't call me because you feel bad now! (If you even do feel bad... which you probably don't because I'm a sucky friend who feeds you bad information to make you stressed and I don't deserve a phone call.)

The terrible part is that my date went well and now I feel guilty about that. Her name is Yoonsuh and I know you probably don't care but she's super pretty and she laughed at my jokes and said I was cute, and when I make a point that she was absolutely not obligated to see me again she insisted on getting my number and said she'd see me again. 

I'm in heaven.

Please write or call or tell me something soon about how you are doing because  ~~heaven isn't the same without you.~~

I really hope you can't read the crap I just crossed out.

Your idiot friend, Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I'm going to apologize in advance that this letter will be short, but... since you insisted you wanted to know, I figured I should tell you and put you out of your misery. Just, don't ask me details because I'm still trying to come up with explanations myself. I think I'm dating Joon. I mean, I am. Not just thinking about it, but am. Yeah lots of things have happened, and this is all kind of new and weird but. I told you.

Now I'm going to go and put everything on a limb and mail this before I turn coward and rip it to shreds because... your opinion matters, and now I'm kind of scared about this.

Yixing


	9. But we keep drifting on...

_15 Years Ago (Age 20-21)_

 

                                       *phone ringing*

                                       "Hello?"

                                       -

                                       -

_"Hey, it's me."_                                        

                                       -

                                       "You? Who is you?"

                                       *chuckle*

                                       "Hey, Chanyeol."

-                                       

_"Hey."_                                        

_*laughter*_                                        

_"So I guess you got my letter by now?"_                                        

                                       "Yeah I did. I was going to call you myself and thank you, for... you know.

                                       Being supportive and all."

_"Yeah well you're too slow apparently."_                                        

                                       "I know. Isn't that how I am with everything?"

_"Now that you mention it, yeah."_                                        

                                       "See, this is why I'm better with letter writing.

                                       I like how long it takes for communication to travel."

_"I hate to break this to this, but the world is changing. We have these things called phones now."_                                        

                                        "Yeah, and it sucks."

_"To be you!"_                                        

_*laughter*_                                        

                                       -

                                       -

                                       *verbal pouting*

-                                       

_"So, tell me more about Joon."_                                        

                                       "What's there to tell? I've already told you most everything about him."

_"Yeah, but that was before you were gay. So have you moved in with him yet?"_                                        

                                       *scoffing*

                                       "No. And I'm not going to."

_"Aww, trouble in paradise already?"_                                        

                                       "Trouble in college, more like. We've decided to uh... focus on our studies first.

                                       And, get to know each other. This way. You know. Since things are different."

_"I see..."_                                        

                                       "Yeah. Change of subject. Tell me about Yoonsuh."

_"Okay. Have you got about half an hour so I can tell you her whole life story?"_                                        

                                       "No. I'll give you about two minutes."

_"Fair enough."_                                          

                                   

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Since you're so fond of letters, I decided to spare you the agony of answering a phone and take up the next hour of my precious time to handwrite you a letter.Do you realize the sacrificse I make for you? This takes hand muscles. And pencil lead. Pencils are precious! What if I run out and then I won't have enough for when I take my exams? Which are in about a month. Maybe I should quit wasting time. Feel grateful that I waste both your time and mine because I realize now I haven't written one thing that's actually entertaining.

Are letters supposed to be entertaining? What's the purpose of letter writing anyway?

Maybe I should be a philosopher.

I think Yoonsuh is jealous of you. She keeps asking why I don't write her any letters. Why don't I write her letters, Yixing? I don't know. Is it because... I see her every other day? Like physically, and I can see her face, and we can talk to each other without a phone. Why should I write her letters when I see her every day? Anyways, I'm pretty sure she's just joking but she calls you my American boyfriend. Wow, and I haven't even told her you're gay. I should do that, huh, or else she might get suspicious later when I accidentally let it slip?

I'm assuming your spring break drive was good. Where'd you go this time? Tennessee? Is that all you guys do for fun? Drive across the country? How long does it take? A day or something?

I haven't even gone outside of Seoul for a few years. I'm saving my big excursion for the day I visit you in America *wink*

Your (other boyfriend) Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

A day to drive from California to Tennessee?? Try 3 days. 4 if you make it fun and stop. 5 if you make detours. Oh, but we high-tailed it home in 2 1/2 without breaks because school was starting back up. And then because I let my entire Spring Break go without working on a single thing and I had 2 days to write 2 whole essays. I can't wait to be done with school.

What is the point of letter writing anyways? Do you ever think our letters to each other are more a force of habit? It's been over 10 years and we just don't know how to quit writing? I'm not saying it's a bad habit! But, think about it. The only thing I know how to do is to respond to people and just keep up with the tradition, and that is to write a letter and wait for a response, and then write another one, and wait. (And phone calls seriously mess with my perfect system, but I guess I can live with that. When, you know, it's important...)  I'd call myself a philosopher for this, but I just realized that if anything, this isn't a deep speculation at all. It's just me reciting facts, and I'm boring and non-inventive. That's why I keep to the same things over and over... 

Now I'm depressed.

Not really though. (This is me laughing at myself!)

Funny how Yoonsuh thinks of me like that. Joon does the same thing. Only he doesn't get jealous. I write him some letters too. Not long, just random things. But I don't recommend you trying that with Yoonsuh because after all these years your handwriting sucks, and it's getting worse and worse over time! At least mine is pretty and has character. Yours is just messy. Why do I bother. I guess yours has character too... it's just a messy character!

Alright, so here is where I sign off and, please help me continue the tradition. Or else.

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

I'm pretty sure you just insulted me while explaining that you can't live without me (and our letter exchange). I don't know what to think about that so I'm going to mope for a bit and then move on. *smiley*

You write letters to Joon too!?! You're cheating on me! How dare you! I almost called you just to mess with your "perfect system" Haha.

Actually though, I think you're right. Although it feels cheesy to agree with you, I kind of like this habit. Makes me wonder if we'll always write, or if someday we'll both be too busy. You ever have friends like that? You see each other all the time but then years go by and you're not in high school anymore and so you just don't see each other and then it's like you were never friends? I mean, we don't see other now so that part of this won't change, but will it? Some day? Okay now that I'm totally depressed, I'm going to make you a promise to never forget about me. And I don't care if you get old and ugly and marry that Joon guy. You are not to forget about me! So there.

By the way, I cleaned my room last week and pulled out a box where I used to keep your letters from years back. Your handwriting sucked back then.

Your never-to-be-forgotten best and FIRST friend,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Wow. Way to talk about the end before we've even gotten that far! Just for this though, I think it'll be you who forgets about me first. Haha. *wink*

It's summertime again. And you know what that means. Beach! I admit, I go outside a whole lot more these days. I even tried water skiing last week. Joon knows a guy who has his own business and takes people out. Another Korean, would you believe it or not, named Jongdae. (I'm surrounded by Koreans,and I even write to one too...) Anyways, my point is, I'm finding the outdoors life to be a little more fun than I used to. Also, that I suck at water sports. It's just fortunate that Joon got one good picture of me before I fell off and made an idiot of myself. I had him develop several copies, so treasure this photo of me looking awesome. I expect to see it on your wall above your bed whenever I make the trip to Korea. 

Actually, don't do that. That's kind of creepy. Plus Yoonsuh probably wouldn't like it.

Here's to the final year of college. We can do this!

Your best friend,

Yixing

 


	10. A few letters every year...

_13 Years Ago (Age 22)_

 

Dear Yixing,

How are we this old? Where has life gone and why is it moving so fast? On the other hand, why is it moving so slow? Some days I sit around and fret because I'm already 22 years old and what have I accomplished with my life? A basic business degree and internship in a boring accounting firm. Oh, I have a girlfriend still. So that's something. Wow don't tell her I said it like that. I mean, I love Yoonsuh, really. I don't mean to pretend that it's just so so, because I mean, I really like her!

Even if her parents keep hinting we should get married... right away. She doesn't want to yet, thank goodness, because I'm not ready for that yet. A modern woman - that's what I need. Hooray! Because it's what I've got!

Back to the subject though. We're at that age where we're technically adults, but still nobody treats us like that yet, especially here. What's it like for you? Because here everything is hierarchy and that's great and fine but when's it my turn to not be the coffee/errand boy??

Short letter, I'm sorry. I'm about to crash.

~~Chanyol~~

Chanyeol

(can't spell my name apparently, too tired)

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyol,

What's wrong with that spelling? I think it still works. ;)

Sorry I can't help you with the getting old thing, or not being old enough. You are helping me to appreciate the fact that I'm still in school though. Getting a Masters degree may not be the easiest thing I've ever done, but at least I don't have to enter the workforce yet. How's that for dodging life? Maybe I should remain a perpetual student. I like this kind of life, especially because as long as I'm still in school I get to live at home and not pay 100% of the bills. It means I still have some cash to spend on advanced guitar lessons, even if I don't technically have the time for it. I should mail you CD of me playing it sometime. Once I actually record something that doesn't make me cringe. 

So, when should I expect the wedding invitation?

I'm kidding! 

But seriously, how long are you two going to hold out? It's been almost two years. Certainly that's long-term enough for Koreans? 

Joon has been having some problems with his family back home. He's refusing to go back and visit, and somehow they've found out he's in a gay relationship (with me). Probably one of his sisters said something. One of them came to visit last summer and never quite believed that we were just friends. Smart girl, but now it's become a fuss. You know I never really considered this side of it all. Technically I've never even told my own parents, but they figured it out on their own. Maybe they've lived in California so long, but my mom only asked me once if I could be persuaded to get a girlfriend. It was after Joon was over for a long weekend, and when he left I told her 'no' and that was that. Easy really. But now I've got a depressed boyfriend, and he's lucky he's got into that post-graduate program otherwise he'd have to go back and deal with this. It's a 3 year program though, and I guess that's something else we'll have to discuss sometime. Him staying here or going back.

I don't really want him to move back to Korea... obviously. How do people do long distance relationships anyways? 

Maybe if he goes back, even for a short time, I could visit and then meet you? What do you think.

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

I'm all for Joon having to move back home! And, not for any... weird reasons. I mean, I don't want you guys to break up, because I'd be a mean friend if I suggested something like that. No, but if you got to visit Korea, then I'd get to see you. Hey, why do you have to wait for Joon to hypothetically move back here to come and visit? Why can't you just tell everyone there, boyfriend included, that you have a very important friend to see (or meet for the first time). I'm sure everyone would understand.

Also, who's to say long distance doesn't work? We've worked for 12 years now! (Don't tell Joon. Oh wait, he already knows.)

You jinxed me by the way about the wedding. I'm not saying the invitations are going out tomorrow, or this week, or even this month or year. But when I made the mistake of visiting my apparently-future-in-laws I was sat down on the sofa and made to look over possible designs for the stupid invitations. I haven't even bought a ring! I haven't even thought about buying a ring! We're not engaged! Officially. Yet.

It's all making this very awkward, and Yoonsuh is mortified her family did that. Have I mentioned what an angel she is? Because she is! Dark dark hair and a pretty face and, well you've seen her picture. Anyways, we're still agreed we don't want to be pushed into anything but this is getting out of hand. Awkward. Have I described it as awkward yet? Her dad acts like I knocked her up already and it's terribly important to get married.

I'm on the second page of this poor piece of paper, and I really don't need to continue ranting. I'm not mad. Just grumpy. Really grumpy. Oh well.

Help me!

Your miserable friend, Chanyeol (not really though. Just grumpy.)

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

You know there's a very simple answer to this: tell her family you're gay. 

 

Oh wow, look at the time. Don't have any time to spare to continue this letter... Like that line will even work on you. I'm probably going to ramble myself, and of course you'll see that the moment you open this letter.

Do you ever open up mail (or letters from yours truly) and immediately scan how long it is? I have a weird rating for letters like this. First of all there's the bill, junk mail, credit card application kind of mail which automatically gets trashed (if it's not a legitimate bill). Then there are the personal letters. Sometimes from my parents' family in China. They send things every now and then to my parents or to me. Nice handwriting in Chinese characters I have to remember how to read because I don't see them enough anymore, but it makes my mom happy when she gets them. I swear they are essays. Two or three pages in tiny print and it takes her ages to read.

And then there are you letters, and don't think I'm about to get sappy because if I open it up and see a short letter, well of course that's depressing because obviously you don't love me enough to take the time to say more than a few short words about your useless life (to me - just kidding). But also if it's really long I'm just going to assume that you have a whole lot to say and most of it is just going to be rambling, and I have to set it aside until I can find the time to read it because *yawn*

I feel very mercenary now... 

Actually, that was all pretend - that I don't get really happy when I see long letters, and I immediately tear into them. It's just the responding part that takes longer...

By the way, my dream of becoming a writer is one step closer. I got a small fictional story published in the college paper. Incidentally, it's kind of a story about two people who meet through letters and become great friends. So, basically it's us: only the prose version of us. Maybe I'll send it to you sometime. It's called One Letter a Year. I decided to create a pseudonym from it for myself: Lay. Maybe you call me that from now on, huh? Joon thinks it's catchy. He's also got some other jokes for it, but I'll spare you the details.

Yixing aka Lay, the soon to be brilliant author.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Lay,

This totally short letter is just to inform you that another essay-long letter will arrive in the mail shortly. Or maybe in a few weeks. Enjoy my lack of words. You know how I like ramble.

Chanyeol

P.S. This is a waste of a stamp isn't it? 

It is, I just know it.

 


	11. Including the woes of boring life...

_11 Years Ago (Age 24)_

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I'm sending this letter separate from the package with my guitar recordings, because who knows how long it will take to ship something like that across the world. Letters themselves take long enough, and I can't bear to deprive you of my beautiful words for any longer than you can handle. I know how you dote on them. And if you don't, then shame on you.

Have I mentioned that grad school is awesome? As in destroying my life - or at least my social life. It's not even the classes or the work or the essays themselves. It's the accursed student teaching. I should never have signed up as a TA, but now I'm staring at two feet of freshman essays that I need to grade, and what am I doing instead? Writing you a letter. Don't feel special. I'm using you as an excuse right now, because I slacked off all weekend long working on those guitar recordings, and now it's Monday and I should be working again. I have my own research to deal with, and a date this evening, which will probably turn into no research, a cramped hand from marking all over essays in red ink, and Joon falling asleep on the couch with a pizza box under his arm as I work late into the night. Romantic, no? I should probably quit writing you now while I'm still ahead and can still feel the muscles in my hand.

I promise to write more later. Actually, no promises.

Hey, how about we give up this whole penpal thing? It's a waste of time. ;)

Yixing

 

 

* * *

 

Chanyeol,

I hope you can play these things. I have heard the world is moving towards CDs, but I haven't actually gone out and purchased any blanks yet. Meanwhile I had these blank cassettes sitting around collecting dust. Anyways, here are two covers and a few self-compositions. If you can do better, do boast about it and send me something back. 

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing

You better not give up this penpal thing. By the way, isn't that a weird word in English? I mean, are we pals? It feels weird to call you a pal when we've never met. What do pals do anyway? Hang out? Be friends? You're more like a personal diary that occasionally responds to whatever I say. Except... you know, I like you more than I like my diary. If I kept a diary. Which I don't, because I have you... Moving on.

Maybe I need more penpals therefore more people outside of my own little world will care about me? You're up at weird times of the day - from my perspective anyways - so it's like I always have someone awake in the world to think about me. I swear that's not creepy at all. Moving on.

I got both your letter and the tapes now. I was waiting to respond until it came. It's kind of strange, listening to you play music that you recorded weeks ago. Like some part of you is even 'realer' than what comes out in letters, or even the telephone. I'm going to work on something, and record it and send it back. Until then I'm just going to listen to this over and over. Thank you for making it though. It's pretty cool that after all this time just talking about guitar, I can actually hear you play it long distance.

Be grateful you're still in grad school, and therefore you still have a future. Mine's still pretty lame, although at least I've moved on from coffee boy. I've got a real cubicle now. Don't ask me what I actually do during work hours. I barely know myself.

Your pal, Chanyeol

Yep that sounds weird.

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol, Hey Pal.

You better keep your word and send me a recording soon. Even a few chords will do, otherwise I may not even believe that you can play guitar. You may have been stringing me along all this time and lying out of your... fingers. Of course you could also be lying about what you look like, and your name, and maybe you hired someone else with a deep, sexy voice to call every now and then. How's a guy to know anyway? Seriously, when are you coming to California?

By the way, you haven't mentioned how your marriage plans are going lately. Yes, picture me laughing right now. Are you even engaged yet? Has she shown you a dress? Do you know what rings look like? They're round and pretty and have giant diamonds on them that girls (apparently) are obsessed with getting. I should know, because Joon and I have had to deal with Henry these past few months going crazy over his girlfriend. He officially ditched the girl in China last year (I suspect it was the other way around), but now he's got a new girlfriend, and she's a clinger. She wants a promise ring. Have you heard of such a thing? I still don't get the concept - but basically it's a promise to always be together, but not as together as engaged-together? Why not just call it a gift or plain jewelry? Why does it have to be so bizarrely special? Maybe this is why I never figured out girls.

Joon gave me a bracelet for my birthday. It's plain gold with two intertwining chain links, fastened at intervals and there are no promises involved. His immediate future is still somewhat undecided, and we haven't really talked about it. He finishes school next year though, and then something will have to change. I don't know what yet, but in the meantime we just pretend everything's fine and always will be. Is that bad... to pretend like that? I don't know. 

After you've sorted out your life, how about you sort out mine?

Write back soon!! I need the distraction of somebody else's life!

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

I am one step closer to marriage - and no, still not engaged. I moved out. I have my own apartment now. It used to belong to my aunt but she just moved to another town with her husband, and the family wants to keep the property in the family. Basically I was kicked out of my parents' house because... who knows. But I suspect this apartment is a gift along the lines of 'here is a nice place, and perfect for a family someday.' Also, now I'm responsible for most of my own meals, and they probably think that'll make me want a wife that much sooner. I'm 24 and living on ramen and kimchi, and there's nothing wrong with that. Joke's on them, my parents. Haha. I probably should feed myself better though.

Yoonsuh has a full-time job now, and she says she still loves me and wants to get married some day, but first her career. I can live with that. Anyways though, now I live by myself and I hope this is entertaining enough to distract you from... life. But I doubt it. I've always been boring, as you well know. And because I'm boring, I really don't know what to advise you about your love life, and you probably don't want my advice anyways since I am clueless about life and don't have any better experience than you. So... hope it goes well? And maybe you should talk about it sometime? Before he suddenly has to go home?

Yeah, sorry, that's the best I can do. We may be pals, but whoever said pals are intelligent people with the answers to the world. Not me, surely! I just write and write and hope you keep on responding.

Yeah, write or call sometime. 

Chanyeol

P.S. You think my voice is sexy? Wow. I won't tell Joon you said that, if you don't! Not that I could tell him anyways.

 


	12. And the upheavals...

_**10 Years Ago (25 Years Old)** _

 

_*tap tap* *drumroll* *clack clack*_

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Dear Chanyeol, this is the beginning of a new era. I can feel it in my fingers. Writing letters to you is now a noisy business. What is this keyboard. I feel like an old grandpa trying out technology for the first time, which is dumb because I've had a computer for a while now, and this is not the first e-mail I've typed. It is to you though. Do you miss my beautiful handwriting already? I know I won't miss yours! (Just kidding)

Well, the good thing is that I can save time by writing you faster. Also, you're required to respond sooner because I have it on good authority that this takes barely a second to send across the world, and now the only way you can get out of a return e-mail is if you use the excuse 'Sorry I didn't check it!' and either way I'll know you are lying.

How do you sign off on e-mails anyways?

Your internet-pal(?)

Yixing

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Layxingwriter12@aol. com

 

Dear Yixing,

Oh well who's the loser this time!? I'm responding within hours! Hours! (Is that how long it's been? Yes, I think it has). You're right though. E-mail is strange, but at least you'll never mistake my words now that they're neatly typed out and perfect and insightful and wise and...

I sent you a CD last week with my recordings. Yes, a CD. Hope you've decided to join the 21st century and know how use the things. ;)

Is that how you make a winky smile?? I think that's how it's supposed to look... 

So now that I'm typing, I can't really think of anything else to say. I wrote you a nice long letter just a few weeks ago with every little detail of my life (which is really exciting now, like reallyyyy not) but now I don't have anything to add. Is this what our relationship will become like? Soon we'll talk so much that we won't have anything to say? 

I should quit before I get sad..

I'm not sad. Yet. But... bye for now

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Since you were so bummed out, I decided to write you a real letter again. Why mess with tradition? Also, I have so much stationary and what else am I going to use it for? Sending sweet notes to my bill collectors? 

I suppose I should tell you that I'm officially graduating in a month. Hooray for bumming through the first part of grad school. I think a Masters is good enough. I also could have finished it sooner, but I preferred taking my time. So soon I'll be a graduated student with a Masters in English, and joining the workforce. Should be exciting right? But I think I'll probably finish up my internship and work full time at the same company writing instruction manuals for electric appliances like I've just spent the last eight years of my life learning how to do. Shakespeare never came in more handy than now! This is just temporary until I figure out what else I can do. Not everyone can join a publishing company as an editor right off the bat ;) Or write songs for a living..  Or get on a magazine.. I will update you when life has decided whatever to do with me.

In the meantime, a month to go and things with Joon are getting... rockier. He's depressed and I think he's going to have to go home, and his family still aren't speaking to him officially. I don't know what exactly to do. I really don't want this to be the end, and I want him to stay here and get a job here, but that's difficult for foreigners sometimes and... I guess we'll see. Right now I'm living my life more through him and it seems crazy to think that may be over soon. I'm dreading it. 

Tell me something cheery instead, okay?

How many years has it been?

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Here I was happy that I wouldn't have to write in pen anymore, but just for you (and for me) I'll continue. Look how fast I'm responding! Even with paper and pen! Now just watch this letter take a month to travel across the world. That would be my luck anyways.

You wanted something cheery, well here it goes: I think I'm about to be dumped. Yes, you read that right. Dumped. It hasn't happened yet, but Yoonsuh has been pulling away for the past few months (maybe even a year) and I think maybe she's just not interested in me anymore. Can you believe it? I don't even know what the problem is. I'm good-looking, good mannered, funny and intelligent. Or at least really funny. Sometimes. I can microwave at least three types of ramen now and I do my own laundry. What's not to love? I'm waiting for the final sentence now. If I was any braver I'd end it before she does and saunter away, but if there's even the slightest chance I'm reading the signs wrong I don't want to be the asshole who breaks up after five long years. I'll let her do the work if that's what she wants, and then it won't be my fault.

What if it is my fault though? Why do girls always break up with me? Maybe she never wanted to get married? I mean I know I wasn't (and still am not) ready for it, but her as well? I think there's something wrong with me. I just can't figure out what it is yet.

Hope things work out with Joon and his family. Oh, and congrats for getting a job even more boring than mine!

It's been 15 years by the way since we started writing. Is this our anniversary special? Hahaha.

Surely I'm your longest friend now,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Layxingwriter12@aol. com

 

It's official. I'm single. Wooooooooo! I'm going out to celebrate now. I found a similarly depressed co-worker named Kris and we're going drinking. Drowning my sorrows away. If you want to call and congratulate me tomorrow, please be mindful of the time zones and my impending hangover.

Love you. Chanyeol

;)

 

* * *

 

                                       *phone dial*

*rings*                                       

-                                       

-                                       

-                                       

*rings*                                       

-                                       

-                                       

_Hello?_                                        

                                       *chuckling*

                                       Wow you sound groggy today. 

_I'm drunk. Who is this?_                                        

                                       You're not drunk. You probably have a splitting hangover though.

                                       This is Yixing. You know. Your best friend.

_Oh._                                        

_I thought it might be the other Yixing I know. Do you realize it's early??_                                        

                                       I did the math and it's 10 o'clock your time.

                                       Wake up and go drink some water. Then take an aspirin and drink more water.

_What are you, a nurse or something?_                                        

                                       Nope. Just a friend. 

                                       *laughing*

                                       -

-                                       

-                                       

_I hate you right now._                                        

                                       No you don't. You love me remember?

_*grunt*_

_*laughing*_                                      

_Don't tell Joon about that, huh?_                                        

                                       Oh, I won't. Don't worry. Now wake up and tell me about your celebratory night?

_Fine fine. I'll tell you all about it..._                                        

_Ugh_                                        

_Just, wait and let me figure out which is the floor and which is the ceiling, k?_                                        

                                       I can do that.

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Chanyeol! Great talking with you the other day. Hope you're officially recovered by now, and just for the record - that Kris guy sounds like a complete mama's boy, and I wouldn't trust his advice on women either. He probably doesn't even do his own laundry, so you're definitely cooler there. 

By the way, I finally got the CDs you sent. What kind of shipping package did you select? Slow boat by way of China? Wow this stuff is good though. Wish I could hear you in person. Someday whenever we meet we're going to have to play together. Alright? Deal? Make that a deal. I won't accept any other option from you.

Take care,

Yixing

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Layxingwriter12@aol. com

 

It's a deal, I promise. Glad you liked my stuff. I worked super hard on that, and it was before the days when I was single so I was happier then. Who knows though? Maybe I should write something new and see if heartbreak does anything for my style?

You're right about Kris by the way. He can't even microwave ramen, so I'm feeling pretty superior right now.

How's the job market? How's Joon?

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

                                       *phone dial*

*rings*                                      

-                                      

_Hello. Hey, what's up?_                                   

                                      Hey...

                                      -

-                                      

_Yixing? What's the matter?_                                 

                                      Huh? Uhm.Oh, well nothing with me actually.

_Yeah?_                                  

                                      Yeah.

_So what's up?_                                    

                                      Does something have to be up in order for me to call?

_*chuckles*_

_Well no, but usually we only talk on the phone when there's something going on._                                    

                                      True... 

_So?_                                       

                                      So what?

_Is there?_                                   

                                      Kinda.

                                      -

-                                      

_What's 'kinda' mean?_                                      

                                      *heavy sigh*

                                      -

                                      -

                                      Means, I was wondering if I could ask you a favor? A really big favor.

-                                      

_You can ask..._                                       

                                      It would probably only be temporary, but... 

                                      You still have your big apartment, right?

_Yeah._                                       

                                      And an extra room?

_Two extra rooms, but yeah. Why?_                                   

                                      I have a friend who... may need to a place to crash, just temporarily, in Seoul.

-

_*exhale*_

_Okay? I'm sure I could live with that. Who's the friend?_

_-_

_-_

_Yixing?_                                       

-                                      

                                      -

                                      *sighs*

                                      Joon.

                                      Joon's going back in two weeks and he needs a place to stay.

 


	13. Meeting through friends...

_9 Years Ago (26 Years Old)_

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Yes, I know there are such things as phones and internet, but I'm rather bored with nothing to do and no one to see, and it's the middle of the night where you guys are, so here I am being old-fashioned once again (and probably forever) writing you a letter. I even wrote one to Joon too. That was weird. I'm not used to writing him. Usually he's just... here. I can't tell you how strange it is to think that now you guys are living together - not like that though. Anyways I guess I don't have to tell you. You probably already know. How is it, anyways? Getting to meet my substitute? Think of him as an ambassador of sorts.

My point is: Joon says you're just as much of a slob as I always thought you were. Kidding!! (Or, am I?)

Alright, back to my depressed self. California seems empty now. My parents are gone on a long vacation to visit relatives now that they're retired. The house is empty. I have no friends. Well, I have a few anyways. Writing boring technical manuals all day long isn't the most engaging thing in the world, but I've only got a few more months of this job and then my next job starts - proofreading law manuals. Where was I going with this? Other than a world of boring, boring hell? Oh yeah, it means that even though our jobs suck, at least a few of us can band together. They're not friends necessarily, but close acquaintances.

I never realized how few friends I had actually until Joon left. Word from the wise: don't put all your eggs in one basket. Oh well, at least I still have you. Want to go out and get drinks this weekend? Set our clocks and raise a glass in our mutual directions... on the other side of the world?

Your friend,

Yixing

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Layxingwriter@aol .com

 

Got your letter, no time to write back.

Roommates are strange! Not that Joon is strange... Rather, he's kind of the perfect roommate so I don't have a single thing to complain about. Maybe, too perfect though? He certainly sets a high standard of living. And, he can cook. Can I just steal your boyfriend forever? I didn't just say that. Nope, I didn't. Although the food is awesome.

It sucks that his family won't even see him though. He went over to their home the other day and tried to see them, but they wouldn't even answer. Wait, why am I telling you this. You probably already know everything. Anyways.

I'm writing this on my lunch break, so I should probably get back to work. Btw, how's that novel you started writing. Aren't you going to send me a proof copy? ;)

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

You better not steal him! I have grand plans of getting him back some day. Somebody needs to cook meals for me in my old age, after all.

Glad to hear you guys are adjusting. I can't tell you how grateful I am that he has a place to go to for now. Eventually you should probably chuck him out and make him get his own place, but I know you're enjoying the food so I won't rush you ;)

Yixing

 

* * *

 

To Yixing

Layxingwriter@aol .com

 

Hell no, I'm not giving him back! This one's a keeper. Why are you awake anyways? It's the middle of the night there. Go get some beauty sleep! :D

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

I will, I will! I'm going right now. See? This is me going to sleep right now. This is me turning off the computer right now - or in a second - and sleeping.

I'll try at least. Maybe this is all wishful thinking, huh? That he'll be able to come back?

 

* * *

 

                                       *phone dial*

                                       -

                                       -

***rings***

**-**

***rings***

**-**

**Hello. Hey, babe.**

                                       -

                                       *laughing*

                                       Are you already being cheesy with me? What's with the tone?

-

***return laughter***

**Just missed you. How's it going?**

                                       Fine. Got my whole morning to myself.

                                       Surprise, surprise. Decided to call you. 

-

**I see. Well, it's evening here, as I guess you already know.**

_*clattering in the background*_                                        

**Just ate food.**

_-_                                        

 _*more clattering*_                                        

                                       So I'm not interrupting much? What's that noise? 

-

-

**Your friend attempting to do the dishes.**

***laughing***

**It's part of his self-imposed house rules. I cook, and he cleans out of gratitude.**

_*large crash*_                                        

                                       Hope that wasn't something breakable...

-

-

-

-

-

**Nah, just a pan. It'll live. He'll live.**

**They'll both be fine.**

                                       *laughing*

                                       So I guess things are good.

                                       Not too awkward living with a straight guy?

**Hah hah. What's to be awkward about it though?**

                                       How would I know? I've never even met the guy.

**And yet he's your best friend. I'm jealous.**

                                       No, you're not.

**You're right, I'm not. I cook way better than him.**

**And I think I'm better looking.**

                                       I'm obliged to agree with you there.

**Lay, baby. Now you _are_  starting to make me jealous. **

                                       *laughing*

                                       You'll live. Probably.

**Sadly though. I miss you...**

                                       I know...

 _*even louder clamoring*_                                        

 _*a few shrieks*_                                        

 _*water splashing*_                                        

                                        _-_

                                       -

                                       -

-

-

-

**I think he's done.**

                                       You think so?

**Yeah, although he looks like he just took a shower in the sink.**

_[Hey!]_                                        

**Yep. Totally covered.**

**[Hey, Chanyeol, you know you have dish soap in your hair, right?]**

-                                       

-                                       

 _[Shit.]_                                        

                                       *laughing*

**You want to talk to him?**

                                       Huh?

**Talk? Phone. Chanyeol?**

                                       -

                                       Oh, nah. That's alright.

**We have another line. He can pick it up from the other room.**

                                       Oh? Okay, then sure.

**[Hey, Chanyeol, get the other phone.]**

**[Yixing wants to chat!]**

_[What? Oh, okay!]_     

                                       -

                                       -

-

-

-                                       

-                                       

 _Okay, I'm here. What's up. Hi, Yixing!_                              

                                       Hi, yourself.

                                       I heard you in the kitchen.

 _What? Oh, yeah. House work is hard._                                        

**You should see him trying to fold sheets.**

_Hey!_      

                                       You fold sheets now?

                                       Wow, Joon. You've got him really domesticated. I'm impressed.

 _Hey. I've always folded sheets._                                        

                                       Uh huh? How? In clumps?

 _Well.... maybe? Oh well, I'm improved lots._                                        

 _It's amazing what three months of living with your nitpicky boyfriend will do._                                        

 _*laughing*_                                        

                                       *laughing*

***laughing***

**He makes me sound worse than I am.**

                                       Oh, I know how bad you are.

 _Should I even be listening to this anymore?_                                        

                                       *exaggerated kissy noises* 

 _Ewww. I'm going to hang up._                                        

                                       *laughing*

                                       No no, I'll stop. Won't ruin your ears tonight like with our late-night phone calls.

 _Late-night calls? As in, later than now?_                                        

***clears throat***

-                                       

-                                       

 _You know what? I didn't ask_.                                       

 

* * *

 

Dear Lay,

I'm going to try this letter thing you're always talking about. Apparently I inherited the old writing desk Chanyeol used to have when he was living with his parents. He's got a cooler computer desk now, but this one got shifted to the guest bedroom, which is technically my bedroom now. It doesn't feel like home exactly, but it's better than nothing. Better than a hotel room. Better than a cheap apartment. I'm trying to pay my share of what I think room and board is worth here, but I'm pretty sure Chanyeol's letting me off super cheap. He's a great guy. I feel really bad for imposing on him like this, when all he ever does is insist I'm not a bother, and I can stay as long as I want until I figure out what I can do.

I've been going through all those phone numbers you've been giving me, seeing if I can manage to return there and get a job at one of those places. It's just so much paperwork and I feel like I'm swamped. Why do they make it so hard? All I want to do is move back to where you are living for the rest of my life without going through a million channels to do it.

I'll make it work, I promise. It's just going to take some time.

All of this is stuff you've already heard before, of course. It just feels nice to write it down in front of me. I can see why you write now. It's therapeutic.

Miss you. Love you,

Joon

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I've been revising some of my older stories. Remember the one where I said I was writing about penpals? Well, it was kind of amateurish when I first wrote it out, but I think it's better now. I'm thinking of extending it even further and turning it into a novel one day. How's that sound? Anyways, if you were wondering why you got a whole package this time, and not just one envelope with one lousy, scrap of paper, here it is. First part of the story. 

I could have just e-mailed this to you... Why didn't I think of that? I already printed the whole thing though. Oh well.

Greatest penpal ever,

Yixing :)


	14. Celebrating holidays apart...

_9 Years Ago (Age 26) - Christmas Special_

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Hello! It's Christmas. And I just got back from some stupid ugly sweater Christmas party and I'm too lazy to be bothered to remove the thing. It's got a super happy snowflake on it dancing with a snowman and when you stare at it upside-down - which I'm doing right now - it looks kind of creepy. Why am I still wearing this. I don't even know anymore. 

Ugghhghg I should be e-mailing Joon right now, but I'm pretty sure that would make me depressed right now and I don't even know why. Well that's a lame thing to say. I know why of course. It's because he's there and I'm here. You're both there and I'm here. Alone.

Someone hit on me tonight. Some asshole at my co-worker's party who knows just enough about me to know that Joon isn't here anymore, and obviously that means we've broken up. Why do people jump to conclusions. Huh? Why is it that people just assume you can't have a long distance relationship?? It's not like it's the end of the world! It's the 21st century! People can do this! They can!

I turned that idiot down of course. Flipped out my phone and pulled up my photos - and now here comes the funny part. I was trying to be cocky. Trying to prove I had recently sent pics of Joon so I could show that bastard off (not Joon - I mean the bastard who hit on me - wow good thing I had the foresight to read this over again). Anyways, I rushed it and hit the wrong button (I'd had a couple beers don't judge) and shoved it in his face, but instead of opening up mine and Joon's text history I opened yours, and what the hell kind of stupid face where you making that day anyways!? 

Anyways that was awkward. Had to retract my statement and try to explain why I had pictures of another cute guy on my phone instead of my boyfriend, and yeah - after that I don't think anyone believes me anymore. Screw it! Whatever. I have a guy in Korea and that's all they need to know. I hate parties. Yep. Still hate parties. Nothing has changed in all these years. 

Merry Christmas by the way. It's technically tomorrow for me, but you'll get it first. Isn't that weird. You get to experience Christmas before me. How weird is that. Global technology blows my mind.

 

...

 

Hey! Chanyeol! Yixing again.

I got distracted and wandered off from the computer. Actually Joon called me (but you know that) and well I guess it's been half an hour since I accidentally sent that last thing before officially saying goodbye. So here it is! Goodbye! 

That sounds dramatic. 

Does it even make sense to say goodbye to someone in an e-mail? It doesn't right? It doesn't.

I picked up another beer. They say the saddest thing a person can do is drink alone. Whatever. It's Christmas and I have to do something. There's a movie on TV so I'm watching that. It's lame, I know. I'm probably going to regret this in the morning when I check my sent messages, but who cares anymore. Probably no one. 

Maybe Christmas next year will be better. 

 

...

 

Again I sent that without signing off.

I officially hate this year.

I wish I could call you directly. I feel awkward calling you directly these days. It's weird isn't it. Because really I can just call Joon first. Or at least I should, you know.

Goodnight and Merry Christmas.

 

* * *

 

 

To Yixing:

Layxingwriter@aol .com

 

Hey you. Got your e-mails. Or rather, multiple e-mails. Haha. Sorry I don't have so much time to reply. Family stuff. My favorite way to spend the holidays...

Point is... well. Merry Christmas! And really, cheer up. Also, you can call me. Anytime! Well, not today unfortunately but you know. Any usual time. Also, did you get my present? Well sort of present. It's a better picture of me. Less goofier. In case you have any more accidents. That sounds weird...

Merry Christmas! Call me.. sometime. :)

Chanyeol

 


	15. Beginning a new leaf...

_8 Years Ago (Age 27)_

 

Dear Yixing,

For old times' sake (because we're super old, right?) I'm writing you a letter. Apologies my handwriting sucks. I swear it keeps getting worse over the years. I don't know how it happens. Point is, well... would it be too lame to say I'm sorry for everything that's happened? But hey! Now you can get yourself another boyfriend now right? One who actually lives in the same country as you? I'm sorry. That's so callous. I should cross this out and start over. I should trash it. But, feel free to call me and yell if you just need someone to rant to. In fact, you'll probably do that even before this letter gets to you. Not that I think you're a screamer or anything, but... goodness knows I needed someone to cry to when I broke up with my girlfriend. Not that you're a crier. Wow this letter is awful. I should destroy it. I'm probably going to regret sending it. Just remember that I'm a big ass, and you already knew that so... !

Nothing else new going on in my life. Jongin is back in Seoul finally. I think he's done traveling the world doing the whole dancer thing, so it's nice seeing an old friend again. I might even let him stay with me for a while since that free room is empty now. Let's see how my parents respond this time! Since you know, I was supposed to get married and put a crib in that room once upon a time. Eh, kids are overrated. Maybe I should get a dog?

Alright, this is me done writing for today. Here, I'll put a smiley sticker here with my unreadable signature!

Your best friend (even when I sound like an idiot),

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Yeah yeah you're an ass. That's a given. But it's cool because I still love you. Really, I don't know why you're the one apologizing. It's not like anything is your fault. And I don't hate Joon either. It's just this distance thing finally got to us, as you probably foresaw. Instead of apologizing, I should probably be thanking you for helping him this last year. He told me you and Jongin helped him pack his stuff and move to the new apartment, and that he was really grateful for that. See? I do talk to him still. But now it's more as friends. Perhaps this was for the best. I'm totally moving on now! Or, something.

I've got a hot date this evening. Actually, I accidentally inherited a couple of cats from a lady who works with my mom. She brought them home and dumped them on my bed thinking I needed 'companionship' or something. Now I have two mewling kittens, one black and one gray. I named them Luhan and Xiumin because apparently I'm supposed to call them something other than Cat 1 and Cat 2. They're adorable even if kittens are irritating. How fast do kittens grow up anyways? I've always thought old cats were the best. They're way more tame. 

Anyways, I'm going to enjoy the single life now. Officially at least, since I've kind of been living that way for a while now. You better keep sending me hot pictures though in case I need to fend myself off from attacks by drunk co-workers!

And also, how dare you replace Joon so easily as a roommate? Already letting someone else in? I'm ashamed of you... Tsk tsk. ;)

Yixing.

 

P.S. Did I mention I finally got that cool job I've been wanting for a while now? Gone is the world of proofreading electronics how-to's and proofreading law manuals. Well, not completely. But now I'm getting to actually write short articles for the company's side pages, mostly about law cases in the real world. It's not beautiful but I'm getting the hang of it. Success. I smell it.. from far far away. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

                                       *phone ringing*

                                       -

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Hello? Well this is a surprise.

**Haha, Is it really?**

                                       Hmm, I guess not.

**Well we did agree to keep in touch.**

**Anyways, Hi. How're you doing?**

                                       I'm covered in kittens. How are you?

**Just sitting around...**

-

-

                                       -

                                       -

                                       How's your new place?

**The apartment? It's okay. Quiet. It's weird living alone again.**

**After Chanyeol's place.**

**You know he never shuts up right? Always talking? It was fun.**

                                       *laughter*

                                       I can imagine that actually.

                                       Do you ever see each other still?

**Not really. Well, every now and then.**

**I forgot some things at his house. Went back to get them the other day.**

**He and Jongin were hanging out.**

                                       Yeah I heard Jongin might be moving in. 

                                       He's replaced you fast!

***smirks***

**Apparently. Anyways. I just called to chat...**

                                       Oh? Well, thanks?

**Just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.**

                                       I am. 

                                       -

                                       -

**I miss you...**

-

-

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Don't say things like that anymore. 

**I'm sorry.**

-

-

-

**Me too. Anyways, if you ever get a chance to come back to California...**

                                       -

-

Yeah...

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

I've been wondering about the rest of that novel? No chance to finish it yet? Or are you too busy chronicling about the real world and enjoying the single life plus cats? Congrats on the kittens, man. I was thinking about getting a dog for real but then Jongin came along, and now I'm starting to realize how much of a slob he is. I mean, I know I'm bad, but suddenly it's somebody else leaving messes all over the place and... I know! I'm a hypocrite. I'm ashamed of this, truly I am, but it's just so weird! I should chuck him. Or else send him to California as my ambassador.

Alright, I won't chuck him out. At least he's not home all the time though. I can't tell if he has a girlfriend or what, but sometimes he disappears for an evening and comes home in the morning and just shrugs when I ask where he's been. When did I become such a busy-body?? When!? I'm learning so many horrible things about myself the older I get. It's not even funny anymore. Or maybe it's just a little bit funny.

Send me a picture of the cats. I want to see what can be so cute that you are flinging away all human company.

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

As requested, here's me and the kittens. Cute, right? 

My mother has started matchmaking again. This is horrible. At least she's coming up with men, but seriously - this is the modern day, and I really don't want to go on blind dates. Chanyeol, where are you when I need you!? Come save me from this terrible fate!

Asap. Please.

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Layxingwriter@aol .com

 

Quick question - what am I supposed to find cute. You, or the cats? :D

Sorry I can't help with the matchmaking thing. Are any of them at least nice? Or nice-looking? Are there pictures you can look at before you go, or is it really completely blind?

Speaking of pictures, again. Wow, Yixing - at least put on a shirt before you take pictures of yourself draped across the couch like that! Kittens or no kittens, a guy needs some warning!! 

Chanyeol

 


	16. Keeping a friendship for the ages...

_7 Years Ago (Age 28)_

 

To: AmericanBFf♥☆♥                                       

 _I'm bored. Are you awake?_                                        

 

                                       To: Chanyeol Park

                                       I am now. 

 

23 minutes later

 

 _You said you were awake. How come you aren't answering then?_                                        

 

5 minutes later

 

                                       I was still waking up. 

 

 _Are you awake now??_                                        

 

                                       Now... I am. 

                                       Why what's up.

 

 _Nothing... just bored._                                        

 

                                       You said that already. Make me coffee.

 

 _I'll get right on that. Just give me 24 hours to book a plane and fly there._                                        

 

                                       I expect it by 5:45 am tomorrow.

 

 _Is it really that early there...????_                                        

 

                                       Yes...

 

 _I'm sorry!!_                                        

 

                                       No, you're not. 

 

 _You're right. I'm not._                                        

                                       I hate you.

 

 _No you don't. How are the kittens?_                                        

 

                                       On my pillow. I hate them too.

 

 _No you don't. You love us all._                                        

 

                                       Tell me that again when I've been awake longer, and had coffee.

 

 _Okay, I will._                                        

 

5 minutes later

                                       Damn.

 _What?_                                     

                                       Luhan peed on the carpet.

 _What, again??_                                       

                                       Yep

                                       Kittens...

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Someday I will abandon pen and paper, I just know it. But today is not one of those days. Just like one day I will remember to turn off the sound on my phone before I go to sleep at night, so you will not be able to wake me up in the morning. Or maybe I should just rely on you for an alarm clock? Seriously, it's been years now. When are you going to get tired of me! (That was a joke. Please never tire of me. I need my alarm clock.) 

So, something has occurred to me. I think you've been avoiding a certain topic for a while now and it's probably because you're worried about me, but I feel obliged to tell you that you don't have to anymore. Joon already told me about him and Jongin. So you don't need to keep hiding that. It's been years since I even saw Joon, and a year that we've been broken up. I'm happy for him, and them. Yeah, I mean you don't see me throwing a party about it, but that's because I'm stuck on the other side of the world and just physically, can't. The point is, you don't have to avoid the subject from now on. I'm cool with it. And if there's anything else you're hiding, like the fact that you're madly in love with me and need to confess before all your emotions implode from bottling them up for so long, well you can do that too. I won't mind. ;)

Anyways, life is going about the same as it usually does. Summer's here. Maybe I'll get out of the office and my house and work on a tan this year? Or... not? I prefer working out in the air-conditioning. But it seems a pity because the weather's so mild. What do you think? Should I work on abs first, and then focus on a boyfriend? Or should I do that in reverse order because someone should love me for who I am, and not for how delicious my abs feel? Huh? Huh? Don't forget to answer this one. It's super important. About as important as my alarm clock. 

Is this letter disgusting enough for you? Hah.

Yixingggg. 

 

P.S.

I think I'll send you a before and after picture just to make you uncomfortable. Look for it soon. 

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Okay here comes the big reveal. Dun dun Dun! Alright, I knew about Jongin. I'm sorry I didn't tell you! I thought it might be weird. I mean, it is to me because I never knew Jongin was into guys before he met Joon but, I guess I was wrong. So yeah, I see them kind of often because Jongin is still obviously living in my spare bedroom and. Well anyways, sorry I didn't mention it. 

As for that other confession you're apparently waiting on... Perhaps I'll just have to wait until I see you face to face before I make up my mind. Or, it could just rest on that before and after picture comparison you are so diligently promising me? How's that going by the way? I always tried to work out but nothing ever changed, and I'm just as skinny and non-bulky as ever. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but maybe just playing the guitar won't make my muscles huge? Is that not considered enough of a work-out? Probably doesn't help that I also sit on my ass all day long doing, boring stuff.

Did I tell you I ran into Yoonsuh last week? Mutual friends' party, and you know what? That  ~~*censored word*~~  got married! Married! She got married, but not to me! I'm not actually mad. My parents are the ones who are mad. Now they're starting to suggest something must be wrong with me if she always claimed she didn't want to get married and now she is, and she's got a year-old baby who I am sure is cute and adorable and would have made them the perfect grandchild. Never mind the fact that we never really seemed to be madly in love with each other, or that it's now about that time in her life when she suggested she wouldn't mind getting hitched. Just not to me apparently, and that's fine. Nothing's ever good enough for my parents though. They've got me set up on another date next week. Save me...

Doomed. Forever doomed,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Tough luck on not having a one-year-old kid. Try a cat. They pee about as much, sometimes it's in a designated area. And sometimes it's not...

So, the tanning thing isn't going very well. Mostly because I much prefer the view of palm trees from out of my living room window, and not from the actual outdoors. This life is so wasted on me. My parents have gone back to China for the summer. Some days they talk about retiring and just moving back there. Every time they visit they just rekindle more old family ties. I might be the only reason they stay here, and I think it's not that farfetched that they end up leaving me the house and living there full time. I'll kind of miss them though. It seems so crazy to imagine living in this house all by myself, although I think there's time yet to fret about that. They aren't going anywhere for at least a few more years. My mom keeps nagging me that I'm not eating right, and she thinks I'm lonely. She's probably halfway right. I just don't tell her that I've been going out more often with friends. Well, I guess she knows that part of it. She just doesn't know that... well, nobody I meet really seems to stick. Perhaps me and the dating sphere just aren't well suited for one another.  I don't know what to do about it. I try, but... meeh. 

How are Jongin and Joon? Joon actually calls me pretty often. It's kind of weird, but then we were always good friends on top of everything. Kind of like you and me. 

Alright, I'm ending this letter before I turn melancholy. Good night! (Even though who knows what day or time it'll be when you get this. I'm still fascinated with snail mail.)

Yixing

 

* * *

 

                                       

                                       To: Chanyeol Park

                                       Dude. Who are you and where are you?

2 minutes later

To: AmericanBFf♥☆♥                                       

 _Uhh, what? Yixing are you okay?_                                        

                                       I'm not Yixing. I'm asking who are you?

 _This is... Chanyeol_                                        

                                       Chanyeol. Great. Just the guy I want to talk to. I guess.

 _Ok... I'm sorry?_                                        

 _Do you have Yixing's phone?_                                        

                                       Yep. He's totally wasted and I don't know how to get him home.

 _Who are you?_                                        

                                       Sehun. I'm his boyfriend of the week.

 _Whatt?_                                        

                                       Okay no. But Yixing here got dumped by whoever shitty friends he was hanging out with

                                       Then he fell over onto me, and started rambling and now I don't know how to get him home.

                                       Can you come get him?

                                       You're the most recent contact I found on his phone

 _I would, but I live in South Korea..._                                        

                                       Dude, no way. 

                                       Shit. Now what do I do.

 _Is he awake? Can you get him to call me?_                                        

                                       You want me to have him call you long distance?

                                       On a cell phone?

 _Yes._                                        

                                       Okay. Your call. But don't get mad at me when he starts freaking out about the phone bill

 _I won't. Don't worry_                                        

 

1 minute later

                                       He's not saying anything very intelligent right now

 _Okay then, I'll call you._                                        

 _Answer this when it rings._                                        

                                       Gladly.

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

So, friend. I guess I've got some apologizing to do. First of all, thanks for not sending me home with a total psycho. I woke up on my couch with a note scribbled to my head, and nothing in my house apparently stolen. Hey, at least he left me his number in case I freaked out, which I kind of did anyways. But, it's all good. Appreciate it. I read through the texts you and he sent, and... thanks for taking care of me long distance. I owe you something big, I just don't know what. :(

I talked to my other friends earlier. Apparently they tried to get me to go with them to the next club, and I wasn't cohesive enough to want to go with them. So, it's kind of not their fault they left me, but it is their fault because... man. Who abandons their friend alone like that! They could at least have gotten me a cab. Anyways, thanks for being better than them, and also for making sure first that Sehun wasn't a serial killer. He was kind of amused when I called him and says you gave him a thorough interrogation. A+ my friend. 

Thanks. A billion times thanks. I promise that kind of thing won't happen again though. You're the best.

Yixing.

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Layxingwriter@aol .com

 

It better not happen again! Next time I'm coming to get you myself, so you know - just stay put and wait. :D Uhh, glad it worked out and you didn't die because that would have sucked. Do you still have your "In case of emergency call Chanyeol in Korea" sign written above your bed? At least you had me in your phone.

Dump those friends of yours because they sound pretty shitty. And if you decide you're not embarrassed enough to talk to that Sehun guy again, give him my thanks, for potentially saving the life of my best friend, and all that... mushy stuff.

Call me any time.

Chanyeol

 


	17. Even when circumstances don't help...

_6 Years Ago (Age 29)_

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Well, today is a busy day. I type that like it's nothing, but literally I am worn out and right now working from another man's computer. I successfully babysat for the very first time, and I didn't kill the child. Hooray!!

I knew I should never have made other friends in this world, other than you of course, you who are too far across the globe to make such requests of me. But, I figure I owe this guy enough times. Still never thought the nicest guy I'd ever meet in a bar would turn out be straight, married,  _and_  have a two-year-old son. Actually I'm still not sure which of those three is the weirdest, but possibly the fact that I've been over playing the 'good uncle' babysitter while Sehun and Sara go out on a kid-free date is the least of my worries. She's about to have a second one too, so God knows what my life will be like NEXT year!!

See the attached photo. This is me and baby Tao. He turned 3 last week. Isn't he precious?? Why am I gay? I want about 10 of these!! While they're sleeping of course. Awake and crying is... worse than when Luhan and Minseok were kittens and they mewled and threw up all over the place. In some ways I like my cats better. And then Tao does something sickeningly cute and yeah.. At least they're paying me for my time in a week's worth of home-cooked meals. My poor mother doesn't have worry about my eating habits for the following week at least.

Speaking of my mother and my giant empty house for the summer (again), how goes our crazy plan??

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Layxingwriter@aol .com

 

I feel like I should commend you on spending your precious Saturday babysitting. Rather you than me though! Hey I'm just glad you have some decent friends! Other than me of course. :D

Plans. Plans. PLANS!!

Just give me confirmation dates and I'll buy my tickets next week after I get paid. Seriously why has it been so long? Some people just pop all over the world whenever they feel like it, and it's taken us years just to plan this far?

Let me know!!

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

You want to know the reason? It's called money. Money which is a direct co-relation to lame jobs which do not allow for enough vacation time. 

And this is why I got a second job. Babysitting. So that I don't have to spend as much money on food... Yeah that's a poor excuse. So what do you want to do when you get here? Disneyland? (Please don't say Disneyland.)

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I write to inform you that I am in no way excited about getting to meet you. In fact, I have hated you all these years and definitely do not want to continue this relationship in a face-to-face capacity.

Do you believe me? No? Well good because that's a lie! Really this is just an exercise in patience because I will probably hyperventilate before you even get off the plane, or just completely forget how to speak. Should we practice more over the phone before you get here? I feel like we need some practice, in whatever form we can get. 

My parents left yesterday for China. Next week I get my work schedule and will know if they can give me the time off I asked for. It'll be completely horrible if they reject it after all this planning. I may go on strike, or call for a mutiny. Should I start cleaning my house yet? I know it's still two month away, but I have this urge to pretend that I'm a neat freak so that when you arrive I can berate you for having an (apparently) filthy, disgusting house - according to everything Joon said. But, I'm kidding. Maybe

Speaking of my ex-boyfriend, I kind of heard about him and your friend. Well, that must have been nice while it lasted. I spoke with him a couple of days ago. Not to say anything about your best friend, but Jongin always did seem like kind of a drifter, and I think I know more than anyone that Joon only wanted to settle down in one place. Should I mope for a little bit that circumstances meant it couldn't be with me? No, I'm over it. I think I've got a good life now anyways, my parents' house, a stable job, some friends and a kid on the way. Or, well... their second kid on the way. I think I'm good with my cats right now, and the prospect of your visit. Not to sound too excited, of course. 

Write, call, e-mail, fly here, do whatever you like!

As long as it's soon,

Yixing

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

Glad to know you don't want to meet me, because I definitely don't want to meet you either! And now that we've gotten that out of the way, no thank you, you're saved, because I don't want to go to Disneyland. Just drive me around so I can see the palm trees and we get check out a beach just so I can stick my toes in the water and say I've felt the water on the other side of the Pacific Ocean! Otherwise, I don't even mind staying inside your house the whole you, because I know you're a bum. Just don't set me up babysitting, and we'll be fine.

And yeah, about Joon and Jongin... I don't know what else to add? I don't see him much since he's been busy doing stuff to get ready for that  choreographer's job he's taking abroad. Guess I need to find myself some new friends too. Friends without kids? Nah, what do I need friends for when I've still got you!

See you soon!

I get to actually say that! How cool is that!

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

                                       *phone ringing*

                                       -

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Chanyeol! What's up

                                       -

                                       -

-                                       

-                                       

                                       Chanyeol?

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Are you alright?

-                                       

-                                       

_No... not really...._                                        

                                       -

                                       -

                                       -

                                       What's the matter? Tell me.

 

* * *

 

Dear Yixing,

I'll probably call you before this even gets to you. So many methods of communication, and the only one I wish I had right now was to talk to you and apologize in person. Maybe this really wasn't meant to happen this year? I just borrowed a rolling table/tray from the hospital room where my mom has become suddenly ill. They say it's a heart attack but there are so many other complications to deal with right now that I don't even know the words to write them. She seemed so fine just a week ago. I'm not sure what happened! I think she and my dad having been hiding some of the complications from me though and that makes me absolutely sick to know. As if they didn't want to upset me or make me have to change my plans for the summer, they were just going to let me go and not say anything, only this happened, and now she's so so sick, and there's just no way I can leave now when I don't even know if she's going to be alright today, tomorrow, in a week or anything. 

My sister and her family have moved back now and are staying in my apartment, so in the meantime I'm going to move back in with my parents. I feel so lost and useless. I'm not even sure what I can do right now. The doctor is supposed to come and talk to us soon. 

Forgive me for not coming this summer? 

I'm going to fold this, probably scrap it, and just call you. Later this evening probably.

I'm so sorry,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

                                       *phone ringing*

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Hello?

-

**Hey, Yixing.**

                                       Yeah?

**How... are you...?**

                                       I'm doing fine, Joon. What's going on? What's up with you?

**Uhh, well right now, nothing much...**

**You sound weird though. Are you sick?**

                                       What? No, I'm not sick. I'm just.. tired I guess.

**Maybe I shouldn't be bothering you.**

**You should get some sleep.**

                                       What? No, that's okay. I can talk.

                                       What's going on?

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Joon?

-

**-**

**Huh? Oh. Uhm. Not much.**

                                       You said that already.

***nervous chuckle***

**Oh, yeah.**

**-**

**-**

**I heard about Chanyeol's mom.**

                                       Did you? How so?

**Jongin mentioned it to me.**

                                       You still see him? 

**Not so much actually. Just ran into each other the other day.**

**He's about to fly out to England next week**

                                       Hmm, I heard. 

**And I'm...**

**-**

**-**

                                       -

                                       -

                                       You're what?

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Joon, you're what...?

**-**

**-**

**I'm coming back to California.**


	18. And emotions almost get in the way...

_5 Years Ago (Age 30)_

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Dear Chanyeol, 

I was in the middle of pulling out a sheet of paper to write you a letter, and then I remembered we were in the 21st century, and how ridiculous is it that people still write with pen and paper when it's so much faster to type!

That said, I don't even have anything to say. So take that. Imagine this as an obligation e-mail because I haven't talked to you in one whole day, and I didn't want you to think I was dead. Hah!

Joon says hi. Shall I remind you once again how weird I find it that he's now lived with both of us, and still we haven't met? How's your mom's recovery doing? Still slow?

 

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

Thanks for the obligation e-mail! Don't I feel special! Hey, I actually do. I know for a fact you're tired, overworked and stressed and still you have 2 minutes of time to waste on me. True love, man. True love.

My mom is doing better. Well, way better since the last time I probably mentioned it. I'm just happy she can do some things for herself now. With my dad and the nurse who comes by daily it's okay. And have I mentioned how much nicer my own bed is? I love being back in my own home... I can't believe I used to rage over my parents getting this apartment for me (and my still-non-existent family) because now I think it's heaven! At least, when my sister and her kids aren't over driving me nuts. You said you babysit? Can I get some tips in not accidentally (on purpose) killing little children?!

Tell Joon I say Hi back. How are... things?

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

How are things. How are things. Is it bad to say I don't even really know? I mean, things are fine? It's perfect really. Joon coming back coincided with my parents officially retiring and moving back to China for however long they want to be there. Me, I have my boyfriend back, just like old times. Dream come true.

Now I want to hit myself for even saying things like this. Do I sound snarky to you? I seriously don't mean that. I'm really happy he came back, and it feels like almost no time has passed. It's more than I ever hoped for just a few years ago. And yet... yet it feels almost a little  _too right?_  Does that make sense? I feel like I'm acting the part of the over-joyous boyfriend who waited years for his lover to come back. Look at me, such a prude, I never knew. But Chanyeol, I didn't plan on never dating during the time he was gone. It just happened. Meanwhile, he had a life, dated and broke up with Jongin, all while I sat here. I'm not even mad about that because we did technically break up before all of that. So to me that's not even the strangest part. The strangest part is... I feel different. Like I moved on while not moving anywhere, and Joon moved away and came back like nothing was different. 

This is getting so wordy. I think I should stop and send. Or else hit delete. No, because I sometimes feel like I have to get this off my chest, so maybe talking about it will make me feel better? What do you think?

Don't mope on my behalf though! I've started writing again. Something about a vaguely consistent lifestyle where I'm not happy and I'm not sad either makes me in the mood to write. Perhaps I'll let you read it someday.

Anyways! That was my spiel. Now it's your turn. Feel free to lay out all your sage wisdom and/or tell me I'm being dumb. I rely on you for that kind of thing! Now go go go!!

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

Go go? Okay I'm going. Bye!!

Just kidding. Like I'd ever go. What ever would you do without my wisdom and advice, huh? And now that I've said that, I better come up with something good, and quick!

Seriously, I don't think it's weird you're having those kinds of thoughts. It would be stranger, I think, if you didn't? And... that's the extent of my advice probably. Or maybe not. Hang on a second while I figure out what else I'm thinking here: Okay, I'm ready. Are you ready?

Yixing- You know that you don't have to be with Joon just because he came back? I know that was always the hopeful kind of plan you guys had together, without really speaking about it. But he did just suddenly decide to return, without talking to you about it, yes? For some reason I feel like you were still in the moving-on stage and you hadn't quite completed it when he came back? Now I like Joon (but not in  _that way_!) and I think he's a superb guy. But people change. You can change. Even if you don't feel like it yet. So... concluding my epic advice: decide how much you really like the guy. Or if there's anything else you want to do differently.

Either way, I'll be here. Just a computer-click away!

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

See, this is why you're the best. Sound advice AND you make me laugh. Can't you guys just switch and I'll date you instead!?

Warning: may be a tiny bit drunk. Not much though. I mean.. just a bit. Like, not drunk enough that I didn't just slur everything I typed and realized WOAH TYPOS! and then fixed them. 

Love you man.

I'll let you know how my soul-searching is going. But think about that offer huh??! Huh?!

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

Hey Yixing,

Glad you're going to think about stuff. I know I always joke about things, but some days you make me worry for you. I know, I mean things are technically okay. It's just such a weird stage for people like us. We're 30. Mid-life crisis is only 10 years away, blah blah, that sort of thing. I'm only repeating stuff my sister's said to me on occasion. Anyways, glad you know I'm here for you...

I just woke up. Saturday and I get the whole weekend off to do whatever I want. You should be grateful. I'm taking up the first hour of my morning by thinking about you. Haha. I hope these words end up making sense. I think I've reached the end of all my great advice. Now I'll probably just ramble along and never make sense again.

Do you ever think...

 

 

_*pause, while Chanyeol walks away from the computer screen*_

 

* * *

 

 

 

                                       *phone ringing*

                                       -

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Hello hello

                                       This is Yixing and you are Chanyeol. What's up!

_*hesitant laughter*_                              

_Hey... yep, this is Chanyeol. You got that right._                               

                                       Well good. Proves I can still read incoming call names. So what's up.

_Nothing! Just bored. I just woke up. How's your Friday night?_

                                       It's great! Totally great!

_Are you out someplace right now?_

                                       Yep! Can't you hear it? Wow this music sucks. 

_It's pretty loud! I agree._

                                       Yeah it is! I lost Joon. I can't even see him.

_You're out with Joon?_

                                       Yep. I don't know why though. Neither one of us likes this sort of thing.

_Then why are you there?_

                                       I don't know! Some friends invited us out. Double date sort of thing!

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Hey. Hey can you hear me?

                                       Wow It's loud in this place.

_Yeah I can still hear you._

                                       I think I'm gonna to find Joon and try to get out of this place. It sucks.

_Sounds like a plan..._

                                       What? What was that?

_I said, that sounds like a pl-_

                                       Oh! I found him. Oh my God, he looks about as miserable as me.

                                       Okay, we're getting out of here asap. 

                                       See, this is why we're perfect together! Always the same thoughts hahahahaha

                                       -

_Sounds like a good plan. Hey, call me tomorrow okay?_

                                       Sure! 

  
 

* * *

 

Do you ever think...

that maybe if the world was a little bit different. If I didn't live here and you didn't live there, and that perhaps if we met, that things might have been different? Here I go again, using the same word over and over again. But back to my point: Like instead of just  _talking_ about things forever and forever, about every little thing, that maybe we might be the kind of friends who  _do_  everything together? All day, all the time.

Instead of just saying what we're going to do today, or what we already did today... but do them together?

Joon's a lucky guy. Even if you probably take him for granted, or he takes you for granted, or whatever the hell messed up kind of relationship you guys are back in again. I hope you don't just continue on like this forever because you're afraid. I hope you do what you want and don't stay with him, only because maybe you're afraid of being alone. You're a great guy. Or at least, you sound like are. Not like I would truly know... But I bet if you went out there and looked around, tons of guys would see that too. And maybe you'll get the kind of life that you actually want and not the kind of life you think you deserve. Why the hell have you been waiting around all this time, anyways?! I mean, you should just leave the guy if he's not the one. It's not like you have a commitment to each other. Just... do what you want to do! And...

I'm sorry.

 

 

 

_*e-mail deleted*_

 


	19. That's why time sometimes keeps things still...

_3 Years Ago (Age 32)_

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Hey, what's up, old buddy, old friend. Sorry I didn't actually get a chance to reply to your last letter. It was glorious, I know! Deserved an immediate response. The woes of the working man, and with excellent penmanship too. See, I was so stunned that I could actually read it, I forgot to write back. I should have it framed and hang it up above the piano, or maybe just on the fridge. No, actually that's a bad idea. Tao's getting tall! Every time Sehun or Sara brings him over he's grown an inch, I swear.

But anyways. Enough about other people's kids. How are you? I feel like I've been missing out on part of your life over the last couple of years. Is that my fault? I don't even want to ask. I'm too scared of the answer. How come you don't e-mail as much?! Chanyeol, I demand you reply within the next 24 hours! Because... I'm so good at that myself...

Yixing

Or maybe I should be calling myself Lay, since I got my first book published. Nobody bought it, but oh well. That doesn't surprise me because I still haven't gotten around to finish my one-day masterpiece. One day, they will all know I am brilliant. Or at least you will.

Call me sometime. Miss you. :)

 

* * *

 

To: Lay

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

This is Chanyeol. Chanyeol responding to Lay as instructed. Picture me doing a salute right now. I mean, I didn't actually salute the computer screen. It's just a metaphor... Okay, I'll stop.

Hey, sorry I'm so bad at e-mailing these days. But I think I got to this in under 36 hours. Does that count? At least somewhat? Do I get a little leeway for being your longest friend? (I am your longest friend, so that means I have privileges. Right? Right?!)

Work is driving me crazy. I got a promotion, and that's great. More money, more cash to invest into bills and stuff. Unfortunately that's just more work, and as you know I'm still trying to earn enough vacation hours to take a break. Taking off so long when my mom was ill really put a dent in all my plans, not the least one visiting you. You know what? I think you should come here instead. Tell Joon you need to pry yourself away for a while and visit this magical land called South Korea wherein your best friend awaits. And he should be able to testify to this because of course, those who meet me know I am the best. At everything. Except saving money and vacation time.

Btw, I just got the book you sent in the mail! It's... about doing nothing in California. Or so I paraphrase from the summary on the inside cover haha. I will read it, I promise! Even if I'm still waiting on your actual masterpiece. When are you going to finish it huh?

Okay, I'll stop harassing you now!

I'll try to call sometime. Or you can call me, if you're not busy. And I'll try to answer, if I'm not busy too...

Does it seem this way to you? That it's gotten harder to manage the whole time zone thing the older we get? Maybe I'm just getting worse at math.

Chanyeol

 

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

I don't think it's you. It's just us? You know typically, people do not stay friends as long as we do. Even internet pals as we are primarily. Somebody told me this a few weeks ago, I don't even remember who. So really, we're beating the odds. Who'd have thought it of us? Odd-breakers? You and me? Over 20 years ago? It's crazy.

You better read my book. I'm counting on you. Very few people are honest with me. My parents think it's amazing, Joon says it's amazing. But they're people who love me so I can't tell anymore. You'll have to do the hard thing and tell me if I'm really a crap writer, okay?

P.S. How's your girlfriend? You haven't mentioned her in a while. Just curious. :)

Lay

 

* * *

 

To: Lay

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

Lol which girlfriend? The one who dumped me a couple months ago, or the one I said quits to a few weeks ago? I don't think I'm feeling this anymore. My mom is more depressed than me though. Still trying to set me up on blind dates now that she says I have one foot in the grave I'm.... hang on I may need to do some math to get this right... 32? My sister has three kids already. Most of my high school and college buddies (the few I'm still in contact with- really I do a better job with you who I've never met than people I've actually met) what was I even saying? Oh yeah, most of them are married. And then there's me. Hey, I'm not that glum. I kind of have my heart set on not getting tied down. Even this apartment is starting to annoy me. Maybe I'll move to a smaller one just to say I did. Downsize and save more money since I'm not apparently saving it up for a family.

Hey, would Joon mind if I moved to California and lived with you guys?? hahaha... Jk. Although that would be cool. How are you guys anyways?

And why do you say you trust my opinion on your book? I seriously know nothing about literature, and it's not like I'm unbiased. Someone at work asked me what my favorite book was the other day, and I waved around your novel. (That I... haven't read yet). So yeah, don't think I'm going to have better words of wisdom than say, Joon. Or your publishers. Or even your parents? :D

Right right, I'll read it! With an open-mind. Soon as I'm not busy. See, I had ten minutes of spare time and I used it to reply to your e-mail so you wouldn't cry. That's 10 minutes I could have used to read the inside cover, again.

!!

Anyways, back to work.

Chanyeollllll

God I'm tired. I just want a vacation :((

 

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Hey, don't stress it. It takes the right frame of mind to read my kind of crap. ;) 

Sorry about your... I don't know, lack of a love life? I can't say mine's all that great either. Not sure if it's me or Joon or what, but I swear we've never been as good as before he left. Anyways you know all about that, so why am I even griping. Nothing's bad. Nothing's ever bad. We're just kind of 'cool' with each other? Can I describe it that way? I guess I am already. Oh well. Come on and move to California already! That'd be fun. 

Alright, gotta run. I'll try calling you this weekend though. Let's pick an actual time and schedule this, okay? That way there's no option of missing each other? Deal? 

Lay


	20. Before it speeds up...

_2 Years Ago (Age 33)_

 

Hey, hey, can you hear me?

_Yixing? Can you hear me?_

Chanyeol!! I can hear you!

_Yixing? Can you hear me? I see your lips moving but no voice._

I hear you but I'm pretty sure you can't hear- oh why do I even bother.

::Check your mute settings::

_I can't hear you-ohh okay. Hang on. Mute settings.._

 

::I'm waiting...::

_::Give me a sec::_

Yeah yeah okay. Geez, when did you get so technology dumb-

_Okay! Can you hear me!?_

Chanyeol! Finally! Hey what's up. Did you finally decide my voice was too lovely to mute?

_*heavy laughing*_

_Well, at first I think it might be too much of a temptation, but now that I hear you, it's just the same old Yixing._

Hey!

_But I'm pretty happy anyways._

I- Huh? Oh uhm. Hey, you room is pretty dark. Don't you have some lights in there?

_Why? Do you need to see my face?_

All I see is your big nose reflected abnormally large in the monitor light.

_Oh really? Uhh, well I can just shut off the monitor or cancel this Skype call if it bothers you so much._

_*chuckling*_

I can't win with you tonight, can I?

_Nope. But then, you never do._

Quit smiling like you own the world, you oaf. So tell me what's up with your life.

_My life? Nothing. There's nothing ever to tell. How about you go first?_

We're acting like I have anything cool to talk about? Chanyeol, I think you know me better. I wake up, I go to work, I come home. Sometimes I eat food and run into Joon in the bathroom or in front of the TV, and then I sneak into my man cave to answer extremely important e-mails to my worst kept secret a.k.a. best friend.

_Well that's awkward for you. But then I don't have a hot boyfriend to run across in the bathrooms so... you've got me beat there in the 'interesting' department._

Yeah I'm way more inter- Wait, did you just call Joon hot? 

_Uhhm. No?_

You did- Chanyeol, you perv. That's my boyfriend we're talking about here. Now I feel all confused about life.

_Confused? Why, because I didn't say_ you  _were hot?_

Well I know he lived with you for a short time and you probably accidentally saw him naked, but aren't I your best friend? Best internet friend? You're supposed to be biased.

_Okay, then I can be biased._

You're supposed- wait, what? 

_Well you said I was supposed to be your best friend so..._

Chanyeol, wipe that smirk from your face. You're just trying to fluster me right now.

_Mmmhmm_

Chanyeol, quit it. I'm getting creeped out.

_You love it._

I wish I could go right through this computer screen right now.

_Because you love it._

Shut up, oh my God.  What if Joon came in here right now?

_Well, he'll have to remember that I've accidentally come across him naked in the bathroom so..._

I'm canceling this call right now.

_Riiiight._

I'll do it...

_So you say._

Nope. That's it. I'm really doing it.

_You'll never- Hey... Hey, Yixing? Wait you didn't really shut me off you? Yixing? Yixing!? Are you really going to leave me here by myself talking to my reflection? Yixing! Man you suck. Worst best friend in the history of- Why am I talking to myself again? Maybe because this idiot- Oh whatever._

 

* * *

 

 

To: Lay

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

Ya!! Answer my call on Skype you bastard. Worst best friend ever. And here I was finally getting around to making a full and grand declaration of our best friend-ness and you cut me off. Sorry, I said Joon was hot. He's not hot actually. Really ugly. Totally unattractive. Never could figure out what you see in him. You're way hotter. Okay? Now get back on Skype so we can kiss and make up. Okay? Okay?

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

I'm not answering your call unless you promise not to flirt with me. Not that I mind flirting as a rule, but you know... give a guy sec to respond okay!?! I mean, really Chanyeol, it's been so long! 20+ beautiful years our friendship has lasted. We should proceed cautiously. ;)

Anyways, ok fine I'll get back on Skype. Just give me 15 because I think I forgot to talk to Joon about some stupid party we're supposed to go to tomorrow and he's about to leave for work. 

P.S. Don't mute me this time. 

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Hey Chanyeol, sorry for cancelling our Skype date. Life happens, you know. Anyways, I wanted to formally apologize and hope you weren't sitting around for ages and ages because, what else are you supposed to do if not talk to me!

Actually, I should probably call you but something is kind of... not sitting well with me? I guess there's no real problem, because I talked to Joon and explained and of course he understands but... Well, I kind of left the computer sitting open when I got up earlier and as I say, life happened, and I got distracted and forgot. And instead, Joon came in to check an e-mail real quick and, read my last e-mail. To you. You know, the one where we 'flirted'. 

I guess it's hard to judge if you don't know us, but Joon definitely knows us. So it's not like anyone - my boyfriend - would read that and think I'm cheating, you know. On the other hand, I suppose it was kind of a shock and I'm not really sure he was prepared to see that. I feel almost guilty, because on one hand I'm 'blatantly' flirting with my best friend (even if it's all in jest) but on the other hand... I think I have more fun or more conversation with you than I've had with him in... a few years.  

I'm rambling now but it's because I feel so miserable. Like I betrayed him or something even though I really haven't. Unless I have, somehow, deep in my heart, by pretending like everything is fine, that it's always been fine. 

Anyways don't worry about me. This is my business to figure out and I will. We will, I guess. Joon and me. I'll chat with you later, ok?

Yixing

 

* * *

 

To: Lay

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

Hey, Yixing. Don't worry. I mean, it will all figure itself out eventually. I feel bad too now, because yeah... it's all in jest. But that must hurt for him to see and... well I hope you two talk and decide what to do. Don't keep putting it off though okay? Let me know what's going on. Sorry if I made things awkward. :(

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

To: Lay

Hey, haven't heard from you in a couple days. How's it going? Let me know. Miss you buddy.

 

* * *

 

To: Lay

Thinking about writing you an actual letter but as usual I'm too lazy to find paper and actually do it. Anyways my hand would probably fall off because who is used to writing with pens these days? Or worse, pencils! I should always write in pencil because then at least if I mess up or my handwriting becomes too illegible, I can erase and start over. Or just use pen and scrap the paper and start over. Not like I haven't done that before. Occasionally. Often. More than a couple times per letter (sometimes not all).

Anyways, miss you and give me a call sometime. Just to know you're alive or something. Remember the rule, somebody needs to call me if you die. You better not be dead. Just saying.

Chanyeol...

 

* * *

 

_*phone ringing*_

_Hello?_                                     

**Hello, Chanyeol?**

_Huh, yeah? This is him._                             

**Hey... Oh you probably don't know my number anymore.**

**This is-**

_Joon! Joon, hey!_

_Sorry it took me a moment to recognize your voice._

_Hey, what's up. What's... is everything alright?_                                    

**Nah, everything's alright. I guess.**

_You... gu- Are you sure? How's Yixing?_ ****

_I mean, I haven't heard from him in about a week._                              

**Yixing? He's... fine. Or at least I guess he is.**

**He isn't talking much to me either right now so...**

_So..._            

...                                       

...

...

**I guess I wanted to talk to you about him a little.**

**Since, you know us both.**

_Hey, Joon... you know that e-mail didn't mean anything right?_                                 

**What e-mail? Oh, you mean the flirting one.**

**Yeah, I know. It's not that. I guess it's... deeper than that.**

**...**

...

**Chanyeol, he's so distant from me. What happened...**

...     

_I don't-_                                    

**I know, I'm sorry. I know you talk to him a lot.**

**More than me probably, and I won't try to but into your friendship**

**or ask you to break anything in confidence.**

**I guess I just... I'm jealous because he has a friend like you,**

**and I... I'm just the third wheel.**

_Hey man, you know you're my friend as well._

_We've dragged each other home drunk many times._

_That counts for something!_                                   

***chuckles***

**Yeah. It does. And I appreciate it. Then and now. Just...**

**...**

_Yeah?_

**Sometimes I...**

**Sometimes I wish I had a friend like you.**

**Like you and Yixing.**

**Or... how come I can't be like you to Yixing?**

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Sorry for going MIA for a couple weeks. I guess I needed to gather myself and my thoughts together before talking to you anyway. I'm not going to lie and say everything is great and fine, but I suppose life will get there. It always seems to pull itself together. By now you'll have gotten my e-mail, because I know you'll have worried, and it will have been for nothing. Other than that, I'm okay. Joon broke up with me a few days ago. It's not a shock, not a surprise. I kind of expected it, and yeah- maybe I shouldn't have waited for him to do it. I should have manned up and broken up with him a long time ago because all we've been doing lately is stringing each other along. Me more than him. I think he truly, truly loves me and I wish I wasn't breaking his heart. But, well of course there's a but. And I suppose I don't need to elaborate on it because you've been trying to tell me for years that something wasn't right with us, me and Joon. 

Joon said he talked to you. I don't know what about, he didn't say. But whatever it was, thank you, because he seemed pretty calm and... well it's not my business anymore what he feels, but I can't help but worry about him. Anyways thank you. And, thank you for always being here for me as well. You mean a lot me. More than you know.

Yixing

 


	21. And we reach the point of no return...

_1 Year Ago (Age 34)_

 

Dear Yixing,

I know you're more used to e-mails now and Skype and all the techie-things this life afford, but hey, I'm out in the country this week taking a well-earned vacation, so a letter is all you're going to get. (And when I say vacation, I mean, I'm out here to help out my grandma for a few days doing manly stuff). Anyways, I know you've always liked letters better. There's just something so amazing about taking 1 minute to peruse a letter which took me 15 minutes to write and made my wrist hurt in the process. Are you proud of yourself yet?!

Being out here is vaguely surreal. No internet, and for some reason I didn't think to bring any books with me. There's just piles of things to do and a quiet kind of downtime. It makes me think. And we both know that's a strange thing all by itself! Me thinking, isn't it crazy? Should I tell you what I've been thinking about? Are you sure you want to know?

Well, here goes!

Friend, my dearest friend. It's been 24 years. And I know this because I just counted like the lame person I am. 24 years and my supposed best friend in the world and I have never met. seriously, what have we been thinking? Obviously not the right kinds of things. Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: it's unacceptable that we've never me and that is final. I'm taking all of my vacation time left and combining it so that we can meet asap. Asap! Which means probably, next year?

Let's do this!

Your soon to be face to face friend,

Chanyeol

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

I know you're probably back in civilization again now, but I'm going to write you a letter anyways. After all, what's one sprained wrist between us. Equal for life, that's us! Yes, it's definitely been too long since I hand wrote one of these things, and I know I'm going to pay for it. How did people in the old days (what is that, not even 10 years ago) do this??

As for your resolution, well... I guess you're invited. Since I do have this large house and all, and there's nobody in it. I may even take off time from work just to spend time with you. Isn't that what best friends do? I wouldn't know since I don't, as you know, have one that lives within the same continent as me! Hemisphere even! Well, okay I have a few, Sehun and his wife. But Tao is 8 years old now, and the 'baby' just turned 5, so they're kind of busy... doing kid stuff. Whatever that is. Meanwhile I have my cats, and with enough warning I may be able to teach them to share the couch when you visit, and perhaps not throw up on your pillow, but no guarantees there. Luhan is quite finicky and wretches on everything whenever he gets unhappy. Namely, when Minseok needs a longer catnap and can't be found for 7 or 8 hours. Cats are weird like that. I can't explain it.

My hand officially feels like it's going to fall off now. I see what you mean now. You know, I think I have a whole box of stationary somewhere in the attic that I haven't found. Maybe... I will use it again. Or maybe not. 

P.S. Don't write back. E-mail, pretty please. That way I won't feel obliged to HAND PRINT another letter in return. ;)

Yixing.

 

P.P.S. I really can't wait until you come. Tell me as soon as you have some prospective dates!!

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

Just because I love you, here's your email. And yes, I just used email without a dash because I'm not a publication-snob/prude like you, and most of the world says email now except for you! So hah! I don't really remember if you always do this or not. I just wanted to nag you for something other than the fact that my future guest bed will likely be christened by cat throw-up. That's  _throw-up. With a dash_. Eww, thanks. Can't wait.

In the meantime, well... life is about the same. How's it going on your end?

 

* * *

 

To: Chanyeol

Guitarman04@yahoo .com

 

Dear Chanyeol, 

Life is of course going great. Absolutely great. Especially now that I'm not required to WRITE-you-back! Take that, dash man. 

I regret to inform you that I talked to Luhan, and he just purred at me. Cynically. I hope this does not deter your visit. You've already made up your mind, and we've talked about it, so you can't back out now. In fact, if you do, I'm coming to Korea instead to get you. And please don't make me do that because I never did master the language from any Korean person I've ever known and I really don't want to have to rely on you to translate the entire country for me. I don't trust you not to lead me astray. ;)

The big question now of course is: what will it be like? Us? You and me..? Will we be awkward. Will we be comfortable. Does 25 years of writing and talking to each other constitute a genuine friendship? I ask this not because I'm worried of course, but because it's 3 in the morning and I have nothing better to do than think up plausible scenarios for you looking 10x more dorky than you've ever shared in a photo and me running for my life. This is a big step, you must know that!

Now, please just give me a month!!

Yixing

 

* * *

 

To: Yixing

Still_a_Layxingwriter@gmail .com

 

I'm going to ignore your jab at me looking like a dork. You do realize we're adults now, right? I have completely grown into my ears. You are absolutely not allowed to lord that over me still, okay? Okay?!

I'm thinking July? Or is that too cliche a month for traveling? Now I'm doubly worried you will judge me for the absolute worst kind of tourist. The kind who gets off the plane already in beach gear with a camera around his neck taking pictures of the first palm trees he comes across. And just so you know, no- I won't come dressed that way, and my camera is my phone, but I will probably take pictures of palm trees just to spite you!

 

* * *

 

                                 

                                       To: Chanyeol Park

                                       Why are we discussing palm trees now? I'm confused

 

 

To: AmericanBFf♥☆♥                                       

_Uhm, because they're cool?_                                        

_Palm trees are cool, right?_                                        

        If you say so.

_They're totally cool. And tall, right?!_                                        

_How come you're texting anyways. What happened to email?_                                        

                                       I was too concerned over your palm tree obsession to bother waiting for for E-MAIL

_You're lame if you're losing sleep over me liking palm trees_                                        

                                       I lose sleep over a lot of things :p

_Losing sleep over me?_                                        

                                       Of course! You're quite the nightmare friend.

                                       I'm still not convinced you're real.

                                       I think you've been toying with my brain for 20+ years.

_I thought you worried I was a dork, not a serial killer._                                        

                                       They could go hand in hand. 

_You're mean. Maybe I won't come visit you._                                        

                                       Then I'll come and stalk you instead.

_Ohh, scary!_                                        

                                       Rarrrw

_Eeep!_                                        

                                       You're dumb. I'm going to sleep now. Have a good day.

_Wow, that was a lame goodbye._                                        

                                       Only for you. 

* * *

 

                                       *phone ringing*

-

**-**

**Heeey, Yixing. What's up?**

                                       *laughter*

                                       You sound happy.

**Always happy to hear from you.**

                                       I'm... glad. 

                                       *awkward coughs*

**Yeah... So...**

                                       Just called to talk.

**Uh huh?**

                                       And...

**Uh huh?**

                                       Well, something is... worrying me.

**And, you called me about it? I'm flattered.**

                                       Joon...

**I know. I know. Okay, I'll stop teasing you.**

                                       -

                                       -

                                       I feel bad suddenly jumping into talking about myself.

**You know I don't mind.**

                                       Yeah, but what if your boyfriend minds?

***easy laugh***

**He won't mind. Promise. He knows we're just friends now.**

                                       That's... I'm glad. 

**Yeah.**

                                       Yeah.

                                       Uhm, what's... sorry I feel terrible. What's his name again?

***laughs***

**Minho**

                                       Ohhh, riiiight. I'm sorry.

**That's okay. Anyways, I told you I don't mind.**

**So what's bothering  you?**

                                       Hmmm. A funny thing... Well, Chanyeol...

**... is a funny thing, yeah? What about him?**

                                       *laughs*

                                       He's coming... he's coming here... to see me. 

                                       -

**-**

**Is that a problem?**

                                       I don't know yet. Should it be?

**No?**

                                       But what if it is?

**How is meeting Chanyeol a problem?**

                                       Because...

                                       -

                                       -

-

-

                                       Joon, I don't know what I should do...

                                       -

                                       -

**I think you know though.**

                                       Do I? What do I even say to him?

**-**

***sighs***

**-**

                                       -

                                       I feel like an idiot. I'm sorry I called you.

**Noo, Yixing. Don't hang up.**

**Look we've been through a lot together so...**

**I'm here for you. Even as a friend.**

**If you're stressing out about this, I'm here to tell you: don't.**

                                       But.

**Don't.**

                                       -

                                       -

                                       I'm scared. This is stupid too. It's only for 2 weeks.

**Just roll with it, Yixing.**

                                       But, what do I even say to him?

                                       -

                                       -

**-**

**Just say, maybe... what you've always wanted to say?**


	22. Where everything hinges on...

_Present Day_

 

_Dear Jongin,_

_Can you believe me? I made it to California finally, and before you get scared that I went on a post-card craze, sorry for the 5 cards I mailed yesterday. Yixing and I went shopping and they were 10/$1 and after I sent 5 to each of my respective family members, I didn't know who else to send the others to and I figured it would be lame if I mailed them to myself. The best thing is that half of them are of the beach, and I think I established that I don't like the beach, but neither does Yixing so that's perfect. Look at all the picture-perfect memories of a sunset and weep, my friend. Meanwhile, I'm living in palm tree heaven and I have another week left to be here so, that's good._

_So, here is the part where I talk about Yixing. Everything about him, what it's like meeting somebody who feels like a part of you but you've never met in the flesh. Jongin, it was sparks! No it wasn't. We met at the airport and then he drove me home, and we did a little lame sight-seeing while talking awkwardly and damn, what am I even doing here. I don't know anymore. This is possibly the dumbest, scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Can I talk about the palm trees now? They are enormously tall! Yixing isn't very tall. I feel like a palm tree next to him. Too tall, too skinny, always swaying hesitantly. He said my hair resembles one, but that was after I woke up the first morning, so I think that comparison is completely unfair._

_I saw Joon again a few nights ago. He came over and we went out to dinner, and he asked about you. I said you were fine. He has a nice boyfriend now, so he says, but I didn't meet him. It was awkward already sitting in between Yixing and Joon and thinking that they once... but then you were once... and did I mention that Yixing's cats are cute! Anyways, it's not probably as awkward as I'm making out. Or maybe it is, and I'm just happily oblivious of it? The cats, truly, are precious and adorable and so fuzzy!_

_I'm glad I came. I am. I'm glad. This is fun and I get to meet Yixing, and now when people ask me who he is, I don't have to dance around some long explanation about being only decades-long penpals. I know what he looks like up close. I know how his face moves when he talks. I can see his eyes when he laughs, and not just through a computer screen. All these little things I never knew before, and each one makes me want to jump ship and rush back to Korea. Why am I here again? To say that I came? To meet and shake his hand? To get drunk and start talking louder than normal so that it sounds to me like flirting, but well, that's how we've always been and just because we're no longer safe and long distance doesn't make it something different now. California is nice, but I want to go home now._

_Anyways, hope this letter finds you. You should really give me an updated schedule of what cities you're going to be in the for the next couple months so I know where to direct my angst._

_Signing off now,_

_Chanyeol_

 

* * *

 

**To: Yixing**

**Good morning. Is he up yet?**

        To: Joon

        No

        At least I think he may be but he hasn't come out of his room yet this morning

**Lol. You should wake him up.**

        And risk walking in on him halfway naked? 

        No thanks

**I thought you liked living dangerously.**

        I do.

        Long-distance.

**Too close for comfort now?**

        Exactly.

**Wimp.**

        Yes, I am. Now leave me alone.

**Okay okay just asking.**

 

 

 

 

**So, are you going to say anything?**

        You really don't follow instructions for very long.

**Of course not.**

**Who else do you know is going to motivate you to confess**

        I don't know what you're talking about

**Sure you don't**

**Yixing... I know you better than you give me credit for**

        Leave me alone I'm busy

**Busy waiting for Chanyeol to wake up?**

        I'm babysitting my cats

**Got it**

**So what are your plans today?**

        Tour of Hollywood

**You've got to be kidding me**

        I am actually. We're going to Disneyland

**That's... even better...**

        I know I know, but in some ways, Joon, as you probably know

        Park Chanyeol is kind of a little kid at heart

**A little kid that you like**

 

 

        We are going to Disneyland

**You're both in your 30s**

        So what?

**So, do something memorable while you're there**

**Like kiss on the teacups**

 

 

 

        I hear him moving around now. bye

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Jongin,_

_Yes, I was here. Yixing and I spent the day wandering around pretending we had little lost nephews who were somewhere with their moms so that people wouldn't suspect that two men in their 30s actually went to Disneyland for fun. Park is nice. I rode on Splash Mountain and one particularly lame elephant ride so somewhere Yixing has nice blackmail material pictures to last a lifetime. He did not ride on the elephant. Something about dignity (and blackmail material). It was a good day. Going home in a couple days and all will be as it was._

_Chanyeol_

 

* * *

 

Dear Chanyeol,

You won't get this letter yet until you get home, but I thought it would be a fun surprise. I had a great couple weeks. Thank you for coming out this far. Emotional, gushy letter coming up in 3, 2, 1... you're the best friend I've ever had, long-distance or otherwise. Now please, whatever you do, trash this letter because I'm absolutely not giving you ammunition to torture me in the future because, "Aww, Yixing is sentimental after all!" By the way, my dimples are not cute, thank you very much. I can't wait until you're actually reading this letter because that'll mean you're gone and back in Seoul, and my face will be completely safe from you! 

We should do this again, you and I. Perhaps next time I will come and visit you, and you can do the honors of showing me around all the places that you've lived in. Where you went to school in elementary, where you graduated college, where you work, the house you used to live in, the parks you played in. I need inspiration for that novel I want to write, the one which someday I will finish. How am I supposed to do that when I never get out?

Okay, here's a confession for you: my house is too quiet haha. It's two in the morning. You're sound asleep upstairs, and it's just me and my writing desk, like old times. When were our first letters to each other? I was 10 and you were 10. Do you know, for years I kept all of your letters in a box for safekeeping. I may still have it. Who knows where it got shoved in all the rearranging this house has seen. First with my parents, then with Joon, then with Joon leaving and coming back. Did I ever thank you for helping me get through those years? In a way, without you as the mediator I probably wouldn't have been able to even stay friends with him. Because of you I have a wonderful best friend, and Joon and I are still close, as friends. Weird as it was, I'm glad he went and lived with you there. I just wish you had been here for longer than a couple weeks and maybe we could have gotten to know each other even better. Offer's still open of course. Me and my big, empty house. ;)

This letter's partially a goodbye. I know I'm going to completely fluster myself when I take you back to the airport today so, Thanks, Chanyeol. For everything. And keep in touch! I still expect nice juicy letters and e-mails and whatever else aps and stuff we can get. We're not too old to figure out technology, right?

Bye, and all the best!

Love, Yixing

 


	23. How you write the end.

**_Excerts from a novel by Lay Zhang._ **

 

page 1

Cànliè  燦烈

His name was strangely familiar, the first time Yixing read it off from the penpal assignment. Cànliè, Boy, 10. Hometown: Shanghai. They were all from Shanghai, every new long distance friend in Mrs. Sims' 3rd grade class. Everywhere Yixing looked about the room his classmates were reading their slips, sounding out foreign names with unpracticed tongues, some excited, some not. He'd never had a penpal before. In fact, he was barely familiar with the concept and being given a name suddenly of a boy from a country across the ocean was beyond strange. How did one start writing a stranger? 

 

 

> _Dear Cànliè,_
> 
> _My name is Yixing, but you probably already know that. I am 10 years old and I live in California. That is in America._

 

That seemed a good enough start anyways.

 

 

 

page 14

 

There was something consoling about letting out part of your heart to a person who didn't know you intimately. Yixing found it bizarre at first, but was quickly getting used to the idea. Cànliè didn't know much about him, therefore he could not judge him by the same standards as Yixing's classmates did. Added to that, he was Chinese, a foreigner like Yixing and his parents and it didn't matter how long Yixing had lived in California now. Cànliè could not tease him for his accent or his face, his mannerisms or his lunch box. His new friend was filled with just as many insecurities as Yixing, and he seemed to sympathize as well as any 10 year old boy could. 

"He wants to learn to play guitar, mom," Yixing confided one day. "Maybe one day we can play a duet together!"

"That's nice," his mother replied with the smile of a parent not wanting to let her son down too hard. "If you meet then, you'll have to practice a lot. But don't forget your piano too, dear."

So Yixing did neither. He practiced the piano for just under the alotted time necessary and then picked up his tiny guitar and played for a row of stuffed animals and the imaginary friend he named Chanyeol, pretending later when he wrote letters to Cànliè that it was his penpal there in person. Cànliè, who would applaud Yixing in his mind's eye and ear and become the best friend a boy could want.

 

 

page 23

 

The older Yixing got, the more he wrote. One by one his classmates dropped their penpals due to lack of committment, boredom, or accident. No longer did his deskmate Krystal write to her once-acclaimed best friend Victoria, and Jackson's stories about his friend Daryong and twin brother Soryung died up around the 6th grade. They didn't seem too bothered by it though, issuing a shrug whenever Yixing mentioned it. As if a having a cool penpal was a thing of the past, and only Yixing was the stupid one for continuing to put forth his heart into pen and paper and mail it across the globe. 

 

 

> _Dear Cànliè,_
> 
> _My friends went out for the night - some high school football game that I'm not interested in. Instead I'm sitting home at home like a nerd writing a letter._

 

He was fifteen and self-conscious, both of his letter-writing and friendship-making skills, and the fact that he didn't seem to find girls all that exciting.

 

 

page 29

 

Most of all he, he worried that Cànliè would consider him a bore. And as if his letters weren't dull enough, the imaginary friend 'Chanyeol' that Yixing had already merged into Cànliè seemed to judge him for his dull personality and lifestyle. What if they actually met one day? Chances were that the friendship only existed because it was long distance. They couldn't possible be the kind of people who could get along in real life as well, life was probably not that easy. Instead, they relationship they built long-distance sufficed, and through words they had a friendly flirtation that was completely harmless.

 

 

> _Dear Cànliè,_
> 
> _Do you mind being gay for me? I promise no one you know in real life will ever find out. Unless they suddenly show up in California, and then that might cause a problem._

 

 

page 35

 

"You don't remember me, do you?"

Yixing blinked a couple times at the boy in the hallway. Barely an inch shorter than himself, soft brown hair, a handsome face and friendly smile. "Uhh, I'm sorry, I don't. You're my suite mate, am I right?" He realized he was stuttering, but the sheer picture of the guy before him had his feet rooted to the ground.

"I'm Suho, my roommate is Henry... you stayed in our room a couple weekends ago when you got locked out of yours?" 

"I remember that part." Yixing only had to half-lie. "Sorry, I didn't remember your name. I'm Yixing."

"Nice to meet you again. Have you eaten breakfast today? I'm headed down to the food court if you were headed that way." 

 

 

page 37

 

The awkward thing was when Suho happened to discover the most recent stack of letters sent by Cànliè. Yixing wasn't necessarily hiding his obsession with the growing pile of envelopes, but to have a friend in real life suddenly come across - to Yixing's mind - his biggest secret was a big step. It made Cànliè real in a way Yixing hadn't yet needed to deal with. To explain with his voice-box that he had a friend in China, and not make Cànliè sound like a completely fictitious character. 

"We've been writing letters for about 10 years now so..." He started to explain apologetically.

"No, no, no, I get it. I had a penpal once too in elementary but, I'm bad at keeping up with people. I think it's neat you still keep in touch with yours. What's he like anyways?"

Yixing settled for a compromise, telling Suho enough about Cànliè that they could somewhat converse together about the latest events of Cànliè's life whenever a new letter arrived. 

"Come on. Let us take a picture together and send it to him!" 

That was Henry's suggestion, and the subsequent photo Cànliè received of Yixing being kissed on the cheek by his two new friends was both embarrassing and a little bit gratifying. As if Yixing was saying for the first time, 'See. I too have friends.'

 

 

page 43

 

"You're looking at me funny."

Yixing's response was to laugh of course. "Am I? Sorry. Zoned off, I guess."

Suho chuckled too from where he said in his desk chair, hands behind his head and one foot up on the desk. A half finished, wrinkle-inducing essay sat before him on his computer screen, whereas Yixing's whole posture was lax and easy, a pile of pillows propped up against his headboard and a guitar between his knees.

"You can play you know. It doesn't bother me," Suho said. "In fact. I need a break from this..." He kicked the desk and his computer desktop rattled and both of them laughed again. 

It used to bother Yixing, how quickly Suho had come into his life, how easy their relationship. A year of being friends and neighbors morphed without issue into a year of being roommates and it was comfortable. About as comfortable and happy as Cànliè and his letters, even though a part of Yixing's soul felt like he was betraying one or the other. It was a silly thought of course when one was Suho, a physical entity, and the other was Cànliè, his intangible best friend. And yet, Suho made him happy too in a very real way, and it didn't just have to do with their easy companionship.

"Suho..." Yixing strummed a few cords of his guitar and then placed his palm over the strings to halt the vibrations.

"Yeah?" His friend's eyebrows were up, curious.

"I... eh, never mind."

"Yixing, what is it?"

Suho wasn't going to let him get away with this so easy. Yixing had no other choice but to voice the question he'd been pondering for about a week, since the last time he talked to Henry. Why it was that Suho had no other friends but the two of them, why he seemed fine with this arrangement. Why he never talked about girls. Why Henry had told Yixing to, "Ask Suho if you want to know."

So he did.

"Actually, I'm gay." Suho coughed to clear his throat. 

Yixing held his breath. Honestly, he knew the answer to that before Suho said it. But hearing it so directly was strangely oft-putting. As if Suho was too nervous to beat around the bush and so he just said it aloud for all the world - Yixing - to hear. Now that the ball was back in his court though, Yixing didn't know how exactly to respond. 

"Okay." 

"Okay?" Suho chewed on his lower lip, eyes not meeting Yixing's.

"Yeah. That's okay."

"It's okay being roommates with me? Someone who's gay?" he pressed again. His feed were on the ground now, essay completely forgotten. Yixing's guitar was completely forgotten. 

"Yeah. That's okay."

 

 

page 56

 

Coming out to Cànliè later though was even harder than Yixing and Suho beginning to date. After all the years they'd joked about such a thing, would it suddenly matter that now it was for real? It seemed impossible that Cànliè would be okay with it, and Yixing feared for their friendship. They spoke on the phone about once every month, their letters still a mixture of deeply personal thoughts and spunkiness. Cànliè and his words, his judgment, his opinion, his approval - all of that mattered more to Yixing than he even realized. 

But instead of judging him though, Cànliè was just the same as usual. Supportive, friendly, serious when he needed to be and there with a ready laugh over long distance phone calls when Yixing needed it most. 

 

page 62

 

 

> _Dear Yixing,_
> 
> _I think Yusheng is jealous of you. She keeps asking why I don't write her any letters... Why should I write her letters when I see her every day? Anyways, I'm pretty sure she's just joking but she calls you my American boyfriend. Wow, and I haven't even told her you're gay. I should do that, huh, or else she might get suspicious later when I accidentally let it slip?_

 

Yixing snorted reading the letter, drawing Suho's attention, and he readily shared what was so funny. It was the only way Yixing could handle Cànliè's teasing, by sharing the joke with his actual boyfriend. He didn't want to feel like he was hiding anything, and Suho even encouraged the jokes.

"So you're cheating on both of us openly, huh?!" They both laughed.

"I'll write you letters too, just so you don't get jealous!" Yixing promised, giggling as Suho tackled him into the bed for a cuddle. 

Several months later, Henry went back to China and fortunately Suho did not. They went on their first ever road trip, just the two of them since they started dating, and for the first time they slept together all the way. Cànliè slipped to the back of Yixing's brain for most of each day except whenever he got new letters, and then he devoted himself to the habit of responding and genuinely liked the merriment that their correspondence produced. Cànliè started signing his letters with 'Your-never-to-be-forgotten best and FIRST friend,' and there was serious truth in that. 

Still though, Yixing worried that their friendship too might be lost in time. Most people in long distance relationships did whether they were romantic, friendly, or otherwise.

 

page 75

 

"So, when's the wedding?"

"Hmm?"

Suho was reading over his shoulder again at another rambling letter about Cànliè and his parent-approved fiancé. 

"Probably never, by the way things are looking," said Yixing.

"Awww," Suho hummed.

Yixing laughed. "Why is it  _you_  are looking sad?"

"Me? No reason! I'm sad for you!"

"And why should I be sad that my penpal may not get married? Other than the fact I have to deal with his complaining?" he chuckled.

"No real reason, although I guess I thought maybe, if he got married, you'd have an actual excuse to go to Shanghai and meet him."

It wasn't the first time Suho had suggested Yixing flying there to meet his friend. In fact, Suho brought it up more than Yixing ever did. 

"You'd trust me to go all the way there?" Yixing sat back and crossed his arms, a challenge to his stance. 

Suho smiled naughtily. He leaned down and pressed a wet kiss to the side of Yixing's cheek and winked in return. "I trust you. I just think after all these years you'd want to go and meet him. It's not every set of penpals who manage to stay friends for as long as you and Cànliè."

"Perhaps sometime I will."

 

page 77

 

The problem with going to China was that Yixing was scared. Suho was right in that they'd defied the laws of long distance friends, but meeting in person was on a level Yixing was not ready for. His age old fears of being a bore, or them not having anything in common, or their conversation turning stale after a few awkward minutes. He and Cànliè even talked about it often, the possibility of them meeting either here or there, but it never went beyond mere jokes, and either way, they both had situations they were dealing with in their own lives: Cànliè and his parents' desire that he get married and settle down, Yixing and his growing fears that Suho would have to leave the country eventually and go home to South Korea. If Suho did not get accepted into the post-graduate program, his student visa would be up. Their relationship was already becoming strained because Suho's family discovered he was gay and in a relationship with Yixing. Try as Suho did to not act like it bothered him, Yixing knew it did. His time in America was coming to an end, and his family had essentially tossed him out, leaving him stuck in no-man's land. Yixing did not know how to help him.

 

page 80

 

"Hey, baby."

"Hey!" Yixing looked up at his boyfriend's weary face. "Welcome home. Late night, yeah?"

"Yeah. Sorry, I missed dinner. Meeting for that job interview ran late. You're playing guitar again?" Suho switched the conversation easily.

"What? Oh, yeah. Cànliè and I have been swapping tapes. I promised to record something and send it to him. Want me to warm up dinner?"

"Nah, I'll do it. You play. I've missed you playing." 

Yixing smiled into Suho's back hug, strumming all the while, and then secretly admired how handsome he was, albeit weary and stressed. The clock was ticking down probably on how long they could be together, so that it was almost better when Yixing didn't dwell on it. He wrote sad and funny letters instead to Cànliè and tried not to think about Suho moving away for work. 

 

 

page 85

 

Staring at the phone in his hand did nothing to alleviate Yixing's tears. He'd tried five times to complete the call, and each time hung up before entering the final number. Suho lay like a corpse in another room, tears already tried but with a blanket over his head, waiting on Yixing. After so many good years together, this was the end. No fighting or dramatic break-up, just a simple issue of time and place, and the world was against them after all.

The seventh time he tried, he finally got the call through to dial-tone, and Yixing stuffed his cries and halted his tears. 

"Cànliè?"

The other answered in kind, hesitant already because of his friend's tone. "Yixing? What's wrong. What's the matter?"

"Hmm? Oh, well. Nothing really with me. It's just..."

It hurt, making plans with his best friend he'd never seen, but he needed to do it. For everyone.

"You still have that empty guest bedroom?"

"Yeah?"

"Ahh, good. Well, you see... I have a friend who's moving away. He... he just got a job offer in Shanghai and kind of needs a place to stay for the time being while he gets settled there. I was wondering if..."

"Sure? Who's the... friend?"

"Suho. Suho's moving to China... isn't that, great?"

 

 

page 88

 

 

> _Dear Cànliè,_
> 
> _Please don't steal my boyfriend! Yes, I know he can cook, and is generally clean around the house, but I have high hopes of getting him back one day!_

 

It was a slight exaggeration. Wishful thinking, and probably highly unlikely. In the meantime, he was glad in a way that Suho had a ready-made friend in Shanghai. It took some of the stress of himself, being worried on his now long-distance boyfriend's behalf. Also, Suho as his ambassador had only great and funny things to report about Cànliè, including a whole host of quirks that Yixing would love to experience in person. Somehow it was more poetic to just imagine them, and it enabled him to wallow in a depressive state for as long as he absolutely needed to. And when they called or wrote, he let himself just pretend that everything was fine, that he was happy they were getting along together. It was true. It just wasn't as desirable as Yixing wanted. I wished he too was there, with them. That he still had his boyfriend. Or that he could meet his own friend.

 

page 95

 

The first Christmas without Suho wasn't quite as maddening as Yixing thought it might be. He talked to his boyfriend every other day during the season. He talked to Cànliè about as often, and if you added the e-mails they swapped back and forth, he had to admit he talked more to Cànliè than he did Suho. Call it force of habit, but continuing on with an already established long-distance friendship required less effort than a newly distanced lover.

It was first time though that he began to feel guilty about it.

The second time he felt guilty is when he purposefully pulled up a picture of Cànliè on his phone to show the idiot at the Christmas party that 'Yixing was taken, thank you very much.' Yes, he also had a picture of Suho, but the photo was darker and slightly blurry and that was as good reason as any to not search harder for it. Any man's face would do the trick, especially when both of his options were in the same place, albeit somewhere not here. 

Early in January, however, he and Suho agreed that the distance was too much. They broke up amicably and only Cànliè acted like the awkward fool balancing between the now broken pair. Suho shared that he was making other friends in Shanghai, not just Cànliè. Yixing got himself a pair of kittens and spammed his penpal with photos. 

 

page 96

 

 

> _Speaking of pictures, again. Wow, Yixing - at least put on a shirt before you take pictures of yourself draped across the couch like that! Kittens or no kittens, a guy needs some warning!!_

 

 

page 105

 

The only change in Yixing's humdrum life was making the acquaintance of Sehun. He would forever be indebted to the stranger who found him passed out at the bar, almost more so than Cànliè who made good use of his, 'In case of emergency call...' option. At least Sehun was a decent guy though, and his family welcoming to the point of nausea. Yixing's parents had never been so open in their guests, and yet here was a man with a wife and child who opened not just their house but their hearts to Yixing. He paid them back in babysitting and late nights sitting around the table with a glass of wine. Sehun was nearing thirty years old and still not completely in control of his expressions when Yixing first mentioned his possible crush on a man he'd never met, but he didn't judge him. Much.

"Will you ever go see him? Come on, at least go and then you'll know if he's the right guy for you, or else if he's just doomed to be your penpal til death." Sehun's elbows were bony and they left bruises where they nudged at Yixing's poorly defended ribs, but Yixing appreciated the camaraderie anyways.

"Actually, we're semi making plans already. He's going to come here probably next year."

Around Sehun, Yixing did not even try to hold back his glee. On the few and fewer occasions he talked to Suho, he barely mentioned Cànliè at all. 

 

page 106

 

It didn't happen though, the visit, and while it seemed perfectly logical that Cànliè would cancel his vacation due to his mother's serious illness and that Yixing was in no way mad at the circumstance, it still hurt. Their attempt had been foiled, and then it was covered up by something even greater: Suho's return. 

"I flew into Korea for a few days. Attempted to visit my family, but they just snuffed their noses and barely said hello. Wow, am I glad to be home. I mean... if this can... still be considered my home?"

Suho was awkward, almost a stranger, every trace of his original hesitancy around Yixing back twofold after all the years they'd spent apart. 

But of course he could come 'home.' Of course Yixing's house was Suho's home. Of course they could take up right where they left off. It was a slow start. The initial airport arrive was stifled, their reunion hug brief. At home and safely enclosed behind the front door, Yixing introduced him to his cats and filled him in on the mundane aspects of his work and life, his friends and acquaintances, the new street sweeping schedule which required all vehicles to be moved properly off the curb between the hours of 5am and 7am on Thursdays. And between all of that they made up, however Yixing and Suho felt that looked like. 

 

 

> _Dear Cànliè_
> 
> _How are things. How are things. Is it bad to say I don't even really know? I mean, things are fine? It's perfect really. Suho coming back coincided with my parents officially retiring and moving back to China for however long they want to be there. Me, I have my boyfriend back, just like old times. Dream come true._

 

 

page 107

 

They kept up their letters as usual, but Yixing couldn't help noticing how their day to day or even weekly communication seemed to drop off. At first the difference wasn't so pronounced. Yixing was in the middle of working himself to the bone so that he could get promoted. Suho was as an ever-devoted boyfriend and despite feeling like they weren't as close as before, with a lot of effort they made the relationship work. Perhaps it was too much effort when Suho began to notice.

"You know, we don't have to go out tonight, if you're too tired," he offered casually one afternoon.

"What? No, I want to!" He stood up, his hand already rushing through the shirt collars and hangers in their joint closet, frantically trying to visualize how he would look in plaid versus solid teal. He only stopped when Suho's hand dropped on top of his own.

"Yixing... it's alright. Let's go out another night. You're stressed."

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you are. Look I have some work I can do online this evening. Let's just do an easy dinner and sit around. Breathe. Rest. Get Cànliè on the phone. He probably misses you."

"What?"

There was a weariness in Suho's eyes while he spoke, and a bad pitfall feeling in Yixing's gut. "What?" he repeated again. Suho did not answer, so he tried to laugh it off. "Nah, I don't want to bother him. He's busy with life and girlfriends probably." It was true that Cànliè seemed to have jumped back crazily into the dating scene recently. Suho chuckled as well, uneasily.

"Cànliè and dating never go well together, and everybody knows it. Call him. He'd probably love the distraction. You two have always had such good rapport. I swear, even when I lived in the guy's house, it only worked out so well because of you. Because we both knew you." He paused and smiled wryly, and the sinking anxiety in Yixing's gut grew and blossomed. "Anyways. Take-out for dinner? What do you want? I'll call it in."

 

page 112

 

 

> _Hey Cànliè. Sorry for not getting right back to your e-mail, but something's not sitting right with me..._
> 
> _I guess it's hard to judge if you don't know us, but Suho definitely knows us. So it's not like anyone - my boyfriend - would read that and think I'm cheating, you know. On the other hand, I suppose it was kind of a shock and I'm not really sure he was prepared to see that. I feel almost guilty, because on one hand I'm 'blatantly' flirting with my best friend (even if it's all in jest) but on the other hand... I think I have more fun or more conversation with you than I've had with him in... a few years._

 

page 115

 

For once it was Yixing who sat dry-eyed and Suho who was dabbling at the tears leaking out of his eyes. Yixing didn't mean to act so stoic. He was far from calm, eons from being alright. In fact he was mad at himself for letting this go so long when things were obviously not fine between them.

"Yixing, we should break up."

There weren't many words to accompany the suggestion. A nod of Yixing's head, a few apologies that genuinely went both ways between them, a promise of friendship. Yixing might have 'known' Cànliè since they were both ten years old, but he'd known Suho as well for the better part of fifteen years, and without that relationship, he didn't know how he might have coped. It didn't matter that it would no longer be romantic. They hadn't been romantic in the true definition of the word for quite a while.

"Friends... thank you, Suho."

 

page 117

 

The hardest problem with coping is that once again his house was empty. No family, no boyfriend. Sehun tried to spend some more time with him but he still have a family and two young children. Yixing hated imposing on them especially when he was in such a foul mood all the time. Skyping with Cànliè were some of the few times where Yixing really came alive. Every other function in life he accomplished through autopilot until it didn't hurt anymore. 

 

page 120

 

 

> _Yixing, Should I tell you what I've been thinking about? Are you sure you want to know? Well, here goes! Friend, my dearest friend. It's been 24 years. And I think, we should meet. Get ready because I'm totally inviting myself to your house next year, okay?! Okay?!_

 

page 128

 

Minho had disappeared around another curve of the bar to flag down somebody who would serve them a second round. Suho and Yixing perched precariously on their stools and once upon a time this had been awkward, Yixing third-wheeling on his ex-boyfriend's date. 

"Tomorrow's the day, huh?" said Suho. 

Yixing shrugged as nonchalantly as he could. "Yep. Tomorrow's the day."

"Don't sweat it. You're going to love him." Suho laughed, however Yixing continued to smile. He was unsettled and both of them knew the reason why. 

"What if we really are just awkward around each other and all these years it was only distance that saved us-"

"You worry too much. Maybe you will be that way, but I don't think so. Cànliè's super easy to get along with, you have decades of history to share together, and I think as long as you just loosen up, it'll be great. You're best friends, and we already know you get along better than you and I ever did so-"

Yixing scoffed embarrassed. "Suho... don't say things like that."

"What!" Suho looked unabashed. "It's true! But look, we're still good friends and if we can do this, then meeting Cànliè will be so easy! Show him the city, talk for hours like you're used to doing. Go on an adventure, get drunk. And if you get the opportunity to kiss him, then by all means go for it!"

Yixing was blushing scarlet by the time Minho came back. "Flirting with your ex again, I see?" he teased. 

"Always," said Suho, and he winked. 

 

 

page 137

 

They laughed and laughed, just as they'd been doing all day ever since they'd come back from the theme park and side by side, hips touching, they poured over all of the pictures each of them had taken. Of Yixing, of Cànliè, of them together, someone's phone pressed into the hands of a friendly looking stranger so that their memories would be shared in one screenshot picture. 

"Look at this one, oh my God. Can I burn it?" Cànliè cried out, tears practically streaming down his face from mortification.

"Absolutely not! That's the best one I took all day!" Yixing scrambled to get his phone of out reach, but Cànliè's arms were longer and there was no getting around that fact. He lost out finally after a short wrestling match where his nose found itself plastered under Cànliè's armpit and by the time they righted themselves on the sofa, he too was crying tears of mirth. 

"Uggh, my ears. I can't believe you didn't delete it. I'm going to burn your phone. No more pictures for you."

"Nooo," Yixing wailed. "You can't do that. Besides, I like your ears."

"What?! No way. You'll make me believe you have an ear fetish," Cànliè cackled. 

For answer, Yixing liberated one of his arms and pulled on the piece of flesh in question. It was hard enough to make Cànliè shriek in mock-pain, but did no more than jerk the two of them around or against each other. They were already halfway to drunk, and through having so much fun, they might already act like they were wasted.

It hadn't been this comfortable in the beginning. Cànliè loomed over Yixing when he picked him up from the airport. It was just two weeks ago and after their initial excited greetings, the conversation turned awkward. Yixing wasn't used to look at his face when they talked. He wasn't used to having to respond to words right away. They spent the first day driving through Yixing's neighborhood while he pointed out places of interest and talking about the California weather. It took Cànliè suddenly going crazy at his first sight of the tall palm trees he'd always raved about to break the ice between them. In a heartbeat everything felt natural, familiar, cozy. 

Now, on the last night, part of that was already slipping away. Tomorrow Cànliè would be gone. Yixing would drive him to the airport and they'd say their goodbyes. A day later probably they'd get on Skype again and talk as usual. Yixing wouldn't lie and say he was looking forward to that, to getting back the distance that made everything more comfortable. Then again, it would mean he missed the opportunity, just as he'd missed every opportunity so far. 

Suho's words haunted him on the tea cups. Cànliè's smiling, delighted face as they whirled around was mesmerizing. If Yixing could just stop the world for a moment to kiss him maybe things would change. Maybe he would actually be able to get out a confession and not worry about the consequences. The end results, however, were too frightening to contemplate. Maybe Cànliè didn't like him that way. Maybe his friend did, but how was a relationship like theirs to even work. Yixing still lived her, and Cànliè a world away. He wouldn't be able to do another long distance relationship like Suho. Obviously that hadn't worked. So what point was there in even trying with Cànliè. What they had already was good, and if Yixing cried himself to sleep afterwards because he'd gotten just a taste of Cànliè in person, well then that would be his problem to deal with after Cànliè went away.

 

 

> _Dear Cànliè,_
> 
> _You won't get this letter yet until you get home, but I thought it would be a fun surprise. It's two in the morning. You're sound asleep upstairs, and it's just me and my writing desk, like old times. Consider this my proper goodbye, because I'm going to be so flustered when I take you to the airport later and we have to say goodbye for real. I know things won't change, really, but I know already that I'm going to miss having you here, now._

 

page 139

 

And he absolutely did make a fool out of himself before dropping Cànliè at the airport.

"You don't have to park. That's okay, I can find get off at the drop-off terminal." Cànliè insisted he'd be fine, but ever since they woke up, Yixing detected that his friend too was beyond sad. This day, this visit couldn't really be over. They didn't want it to be over, and yet it was.

"Nope. I still have two more vacation days and nothing else to do. I can spare a few extra minutes to walk you."

"You can't go through security with me though."

"No, but we can get your luggage sent off and then get coffee before you go through. There's time. How's that sound."

"Time for last minutes airport pictures?" Cànliè's smile was blinding this morning. It almost did the job of masking his reluctance to go. 

"Exactly."

 

page 141

 

"I should go." After half an hour of kicking their heels, it was really true this time. Cànliè needed to go, and Yixing didn't want to let him.

They threw their cups in the trash, Yixing's mostly untouched because now, finally, at the last minute, he'd wanted to use every last second to talk, to enjoy having his friend here, to bask in the smiles he'd possibly not see again. Not like this. He waited for Cànliè to pick up his carry-on and got flustered when the other didn't. He stood there, limbs hanging by his side, teeth worrying his bottom lip.

"What's the matter?" Yixing asked.

Then Cànliè smiled again and the awkward silence passed. "Time for goodbyes. Come on, hug me!"

"Hug you, what?"

"Yeah, like a lover's goodbye." He smiled goofily and Yixing flushed.

"What!?"

"Yeah! Come on. Big dramatic hug. Everybody's watching!" 

"What the hell, Cànliè-"

His friend stopped his words then. Two long arms wrapped around him, pulling him close, and their height difference made it so Yixing's head was pressed awkwardly against the other's collar bones. He had no choice but to hug back and as soon as he did, he knew he never wanted to leave that place. Cànliè was warm. Tall, thin and bony, yes, but warm, comfortable. More like home than Yixing had ever felt living in his big, empty house. He was thirty-five years old and suddenly had a taste of home. 

It was a game, saying goodbye this way. He knew, Cànliè knew it. Games were easily to play than real life, for both of them wanted this and yet neither knew how to make it go a step further. 

He felt the arms starting to retreat and knew the clock was ticking. His heart leapt erratically. 

"Cànliè?"

"What?" said the other, and before they had a chance to truly separate, Yixing pressed forward again and tilted his head up. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_When we first met..._

_We weren't anything alike..._

_Yet we were friends..._

_Sharing each random thought..._

_Even in our oddest times..._

_Every now and then time seems to slow..._

_And friendship hangs on the balance..._

_But we keep drifting on..._

_A few letters every year..._

_Including the woes of boring life..._

_And the upheavals..._

_Meeting through friends..._

_Celebrating holidays apart..._

_Beginning a new leaf..._

_Keeping a friendship for the ages..._

_Even when circumstances don't help..._

_And emotions almost get in the way..._

_That's why time sometimes keeps things still..._

_Before it speeds up..._

_And we reach the point of no return..._

_Where everything hinges on..._

_How you write the end._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 _*phone ringing*_                           

 

                                       Hello? Chanyeol, hey what's up?

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Chanyeol? 

-                                       

-                                       

 _Fuck you._                                       

                                       What?!

 _I said, Fuck you, Yixing._                                      

                                       What...what's the matter.

 _I just read your fucking book! That's the matter!_                              

                                       I... didn't send you my book.

 _I know! But I ordered it online all the same._                                   

                                       -

                                       -

                                       Oh

                                       -

                                       -

 _'Oh' is right. Yixing, did you mean to never tell me you finished your novel?_                                       

                                       No...

 _But you still didn't think it pertinent to let me know?_

_Your best friend, supposedly, to whom you've been talking for years about this masterpiece novel?_

_Your friend, Chanyeol, who you based the entire book on!!??_

                                       I'm sorry

 _You damned better be sorry!_                                 

                                       Look, I didn't mean for you to read it soon

                                       I wanted to explain

 _Explain what, that you wrote a novel about us?!_                                    

                                       Yes, partly. And...

_And what else exactly? Because that was a very interesting book, Yixing..._

                                       It's all fiction.

 _Fiction, huh?_                                    

                                       Yes, fiction.

_It seemed pretty well based on fact._

_Unless you were making up all those sentiments._

                                       Chanyeol... I'm sorry...

 _Very well based on fact. With one exception, I think..._                                       

                                       Look, I get why you're angry. I apologize-

_Oh, you're right in saying I'm angry. Yixing, I'm completely pissed._

_I can't.. I can't believe you would do something like that.._

                                       I know.. I'm sorry...

 _And not tell me... Damnit, Yixing. Why! Why?!_                                   

                                       Chanyeol...

 _Why didn't you just do that in person?!_                                      

                                       I'm sor- wait, do what in person...

 _Kiss me! Yixing, why didn't you..._                                     

-                                       

                                       -

                                       You... wanted me to...?

                                       -

-                                       

 _Yes..._                               

-                                       

                                       -

_*sniffs*_

_Fuck this. Fuck you._                                   

                                       I'm sorry.

_And quit saying sorry, damnit._

_That's it. I'm booking another ticket to L.A._

                                       What?!

_Try to hide from me this time, I dare you._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End. Thank you for reading. :)


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